The top-secret Apollo 18 mission carries three astronauts (Warren Christie, Lloyd Owen, and Ryan Robbins) to the moon, ostensibly to install an early-warning system for the Department of Defense. Two of the astronauts encounter some very strange things on the lunar surface.

CRITIQUE

Dimension Films shuffled the release date of Apollo 18 (which has nothing to do with the They Might Be Giants album of the same name, which is unfortunate) for more than eighteen months; originally scheduled to be released in early 2010, it didn’t actually make it to theaters until September of 2011. Now it’s not unusual for a movie to have its release date shuffled--especially a movie being handled by the Weinsteins; you could almost make a drinking game out of their tendency to shuffle--but there has to be a serious problem when a movie is held back for eighteen months. I can remember first reading about this movie more than two years ago, but by the time it was finally released I’d completely forgotten about it. Now that I’ve seen it, I really wish I could forget it.

Although the found-footage genre has seriously worn out its welcome, I was intrigued by the premise of this movie. Guys go the moon and encounter something they certainly didn’t expect to encounter--sounds like it could be fun, right? But Apollo 18 isn’t fun. It’s terminally dull and fatally overlong; there’s an hour of superfluous material here, and the movie runs only 86 minutes. I made it ten minutes before I started getting antsy, hoping the phone would ring, the power would go out, or somebody would ring the doorbell and ask me if I was interested in a copy of The Watchtower. I had a feeling absolutely nothing would happen to spark my interest (seeing as how it’s about three guys going to the moon, there was little hope for gratuitous female nudity), and I was right. Man, was I ever.

The first act of the movie attempts to recreate the look and content of an old NASA newsreel, and it comes awfully close. There’s only one thing director Gonzalo López-Gallego (making his English-language debut) and his collaborators get right, and that’s the period look of the movie. The costumes, haircuts, and technology look right. Much of the new footage blends rather seamlessly with the stock material, scratched up, faded, and intentionally heavy with grain, giving it the feel of something that’s been sitting in a can for nearly four decades. But admiration for this accomplishment is fleeting; once you realize just how boring and dramatically slack the movie is and is going to remain, it’s impossible to care about anything.

People who think the long spaceflight shots in 2001 are boring haven’t seen anything yet. I don’t think all those shots are boring; I could watch footage of Kubrick’s space-plane making its way to the space station all day. But the scenes here that are intended to convey the ordinariness of a lunar mission had me inching toward catatonia. I imagine López-Gallego and neophyte writer Brian Miller would argue they’re building mood, but I’d argue they’re doing nothing but taxing the patience of anyone watching. And when the first hints of weirdness rear their head, it’s equally dull. In and of themselves, bumps, thumps, and squeaks aren’t suspenseful. I know they’re hallmarks of this genre, but they’re also part of the sameness that made this genre go stale so quickly. This is the sort of genre filmmaking that makes it clear the filmmakers think it’s the genre itself that’s the thing. Screw all of the stuff that makes any genre entry special.

Things don’t improve when the nature of what’s causing all of those bumps, thumps, and squeaks is finally revealed. It plays like something out of a Z-grade fifties sci-fi flick, an even cheaper knockoff of already cheap Roger Corman knockoff. It’s derivative (once the movie’s “thing” does what it does, it’s impossible not to think of a certain franchise that began in 1979) and dumb (with the possible exception of derisive laughter, “Oh, come on!” is the most likely reaction). A freaking huge version of the “thing” may have been kind of cool (and I think there was an old Corman flick that featured exactly that sort of creature), but what you get here is just sad.

As the end credits began to roll, a few questions (why would anyone be concerned about this “thing”? How was the footage recovered? Why was there sound on the moon? Who the hell was holding the camera during the final reel?) ran through my mind, but I quickly realized it wasn’t worth it. Apollo 18 is all premise, a sad, pathetic attempt to separate a gullible audience from its money. Don’t fall for it.

THE VIDEO

The 1080p transfer has been encoded with AVC onto a 25GB disc. Depending on what type of camera was used during filming/is supposed to be capturing footage at any given moment, the movie’s aspect ratio flops between 1.78:1 (footage shot with HD cameras) and 1.33:1 (footage shot in 16mm). The image is ugly, scratchy, riddled with grain, faded, and rife with wan, washed-out colors. But that’s obviously the way it’s supposed to look, so there’s no reason to complain.

THE AUDIO

The sole audio option is a DTS-HD Master Audio 5.1 track. Much like Cloverfield, this “found footage” was inexplicably given a full-blown surround mix, but it makes even less sense here, as this audio is supposed to have come from antiquated, mono recording equipment (although it doesn’t show a whole lot in the way of dated fidelity). But you’re not supposed to wonder why there are thuds and creaks coming from behind you, you’re just supposed to enjoy them. And as nonsensical as the mix is, it’s fairly effective.

There’s a good sense of claustrophobia in the cramped quarters of the command module and the lunar lander. The lunar surface is airy and open (again, nonsensical), and all of those strange noises are suitably strange. Dialogue sounds fine; with the exception of the launch sequence, which packs a incongruous punch, the low end is muted but appropriate. English SDH and Spanish subtitles are available.

THE EXTRAS

A commentary by director Gonzalo López-Gallego and editor Patrick Lussier focuses primarily on the filmmakers’ efforts to make the footage look as authentic as possible.

A large selection of deleted and alternate scenes (20 minutes, SD) brings together some unnecessary scene extensions and several redundant bits.

You also get four alternate endings (5 minutes, SD), which can’t be discussed without spoiling things.

A DVD copy is also included, as is a code to download a digital copy.

FINAL THOUGHT

How bad is Apollo 18? It’s so bad it actually makes me long for Hangar 18.