A recently deposed South American dictator named Arius (Dan Hedaya) kidnaps the young daughter of a former commando named John Matrix (Arnold Schwarzenegger). Arius and his henchman Bennett (Vernon Wells) want Matrix to kill the president of Arius’s homeland, thereby allowing the madman to once again control the country; if Matrix refuses, Arius will order Bennett to kill Matrix’s daughter Jenny (Alyssa Milano). With the help of a plucky stewardess named Cindy (Rae Dawn Chong), Matrix infiltrate’s Arius’s island base and attempts to rescue Jenny.

CRITIQUE

Commando is an incredibly stupid movie, but it’s also an incredibly fun one. It’s the sort of action movie Hollywood doesn’t make anymore. It was made in a time before B-level material was afforded A-level budgets, and before home video became the graveyard for dopey action quickies (and the medium of choice for washed-up pseudo-stars who made a name for themselves in dopey action quickies).

The ‘80s were a magical time for this sort of material, and this movie marked one of the highpoints (or is that lowpoints?). It has everything you’d hope for from such a flick, including an indestructible hero, dumbass villains, cheesy one-liners, some completely gratuitous nudity, and enough plot holes, lapses in logic and continuity gaffes to fill Madison Square Garden.

Here’s a list of things you shouldn’t ask yourself while watching Commando: Don’t ask why the bad guys are dumb enough to tangle with a guy named John Matrix. (Guys with name like that shouldn’t be screwed with. Hell, they could have cast Billy Barty in the role and the name alone would have made it plausible for him to clean the bad guys’ clocks.) Don’t ask how those people manage to spend eleven hours on a plane without noticing the corpse sitting in first class. Don’t ask why Matrix rips the passenger’s seat out of Cindy’s car.

What’s more, don’t ask why those mall security guards think they can actually stop Matrix. Don’t ask where that bulldozer comes from. Don’t ask why the pawnshop Matrix uses that bulldozer to break into stocks military-grade weapons, including rocket launchers and claymores. Don’t ask why the cops don’t arrest--much less even notice--Cindy. Don’t ask why the cops don’t put out an APB for a green pimpmobile carrying a huge dude and his cute sidekick. Don’t ask why Matrix takes the time to camouflages his chest and then covers it up with a flak jacket.

Next, don’t ask why the two explosive devices Matrix places outside the buildings on Arius’s island can make nine buildings blow up from the inside. Don’t ask how Matrix can shoot ten feet to the left of a bad guy and still hit the dude in the chest. Don’t ask why no one on the crew noticed that the air rams used to launch the bad guys into the air are visible in so many shots. Don’t ask why Hedaya’s accent resembles no accent known to man. (I swear it’s the same accent Peter MacNicol used in Ghostbusters II; Hedaya should’ve sued.)

Also, don’t ask why James Horner chose to score the movie with a mix of cheesy synthesizers, programmed percussion, saxophones and steel drums. (For what it’s worth, this is the one Horner score that doesn’t sound exactly like every other Horner score.) And lastly, as you watch the end credits and listen to the horrible song that accompanies them, don’t ask yourself why in the world the rest of the members of Power Station thought they could ever survive without Robert Palmer.

You know what--forget what I just said. It’s actually possible to ask yourself all of those questions during a viewing of Commando and still have a good time. Matter of fact, you’ll probably have a better time if you do worry about such things. This movie is relentless in its quest to ignore logic, geography, the laws of physics, etc., so why should anyone in the audience care about such things? I don’t know if writer Steven E. de Souza actually set out to make the movie as dopily entertaining as possible or just didn’t give a damn; either way, he created what is arguably the ultimate in ‘80s cornball scripts.

Luckily director Mark L. Lester (who forever cemented his place in movie history by casting George C. Scott as a one-eyed Native American in Firestarter) didn’t seem to be in on the joke. Lester isn’t talented enough to direct one of those elementary school productions the students put on before PTA meetings, but he gives it all he’s got here, and the results are predictably laughable.

The staging of the action sequences is clumsy, the framing of any shot is likely to be nonsensical (much of the fight between Matrix and the guards in the mall is obscured by a column), and the overall style is less slick than what you’ll find in a homemade sex tape. But this is exactly how it should be. A director with real talent would likely have screwed everything up, either by tarting up the visuals or insisting on a more sober script. I imagine many people won’t see this movie and think kismet was at work, but I beg to disagree.       

After letting the title languish in non-anamorphic, bargain bin hell for nearly a decade, Fox re-released Commando in late 2007 in a new director’s cut. In addition to the new cut (which runs only a couple minutes longer, and was seamlessly branched with the theatrical version), this standard-def release also contained a commentary by director Lester and some featurettes.

Fans such as myself hoped the eventual Blu-ray version would mirror its SD cousin, but this is a Fox release we’re talking about, meaning high-def adopters have once again been screwed--this release contains the theatrical cut and only one bonus feature. You think this means a BD double-dip will eventually see the light of day? Yeah, so do I.

THE VIDEO

The 1.85:1/1080p transfer looks in no way like high-def video. It’s soft, faded, and hazy, with weak black levels and poor detail. Some of the more vivid hues look okay, but on the whole colors are washed out. Video noise is visible in numerous shots, and grain is terribly uneven; edge enhancement is also noticeable throughout. Given just how poor it looks, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn Fox simply upconverted an old standard-def master instead of striking a new high-def one.

THE AUDIO

The DTS-HD Lossless Master Audio 5.1 track isn’t likely to win any awards, either. Repurposed from the movie’s original stereo tracks, the new mix stretches the audio to the breaking point, leaving it thin and hollow throughout. Dialogue sounds okay, but the music and effects are tinny, and the low end is very weak (the numerous gunshots and explosions have no impact whatsoever). There’s actually not much surround action, and what is there quite obviously wasn’t positioned with any sort of rhyme or reason. English Dolby Surround, Spanish Dolby Digital Mono, and French Dolby Digital Stereo tracks are also included. English and Spanish subtitles are available.

THE EXTRAS

The only extra is the movie’s theatrical trailer. It is a pretty sweet trailer (it’s just as pumped-up and silly as the movie itself), but it ain’t enough.

And for those with compatible equipment, the disc is enhanced for playback with D-Box motion control systems.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Commando is stupid fun, but Fox’s handling of this release is just plain stupid. Both the extras and technical presentation are disappointing in the extreme, so hold off until the situation is rectified.