Aspiring songwriter Violet Sandford (Piper Perabo) moves to New York in hopes of making it big, but no publishing group or talent agency will listen to her demo tape. Strapped for cash, Violet accepts a job at Coyote Ugly, a dive bar at which the bartenders take time out from pouring shots to hop up on the bar and give the crowd a show they’ll never forget.

CRITIQUE

I don’t know if it was laziness or greed that prompted producer Jerry Bruckheimer to rip off his 1983 hit Flashdance, but that’s exactly what Coyote Ugly is. From its storyline right on down to its characters, this movie is nothing but Flashdance with changes of location and profession. But it can’t measure up to even the meager achievements of its cinematic ancestor.

Flashdance was essentially a retread of old material (the story would have been clichéd back in 1933) pumped up by a pulsing soundtrack, while Coyote Ugly is a retread of a retread, and its soundtrack is about as unmemorable as they come. (My apologies to fans of Def Leppard and EMF, but did we really need to here “Pour Some Sugar on Me” and “Unbelievable” nine times?) Who would have thought that five attractive women jumping around on a bar for two hours could be so damned boring?  

Although only one person received credit, eight writers are reported to have worked on Coyote Ugly (including Kevin Smith, although he says practically nothing he contributed ended up in the shooting draft). I’m not sure how that many people managed to avoid coming up with a single surprise or fresh idea, but they nevertheless did.

There is absolutely nothing, nothing, nothing here you haven’t already seen countless times before. The romance is here. The rivalry is here. The strained relationship between father and daughter is here. The long-held secret about a dead parent is here. The mentor figure who initially comes off as gruff but really has a heart of gold is here. The stupid misunderstanding that jeopardizes the romance is here.

Also here is the life-threatening situation that makes the father and daughter realize how much they really care about one another. The sudden end to the rivalry is here (neither the rivalry nor its sudden collapse is ever explained). The mind-numbing shopping montage is here. And the big finale in which all of the plot contrivances lead to a totally contrived big break for the main character is here. Yay.     

The movie does provide a few chuckles, most of them unintentional. Melanie Lynskey (playing Perabo’s best friend) offers up the single worst Jersey accent (in the scenes where she actually attempts one, that is) in cinematic history. The character played by Tyra Banks (in yet another of her staggeringly awful performances) is said to be headed to law school; the reasons for humor in that should be obvious. The bands pantomiming to Violet’s songs (a bunch of Diane Warren penned/LeAnn Rimes-performed nonsense that sounds like every other acoustic guitar-and-drum machine piece of tripe from the past fifteen years) don’t even bother to try to make it look convincing.

Finally, the movie ends with one of the dumbest lines of dialogue you’ll ever come across. Not sure which of the eight writers came up with it, but the responsible party needs to be tied down and made to watch Casablanca until the lesson sinks in.

As for what’s actually good...let me think...damn, this is hard...oh, yeah--John Goodman. Goodman’s likeability and the good will he’s generated over the years help immensely here. His character (he’s the father) is just another standard cog in the rote plotting, but he at least makes you want to pay attention anytime he appears. Okay, what else...oh, yeah--Bridget Moynahan. Yeah, she’s playing the most ill-defined character in a sea of ill-defined characters (she’s the rival without a cause), but she looks damn good doing it.

Also, let’s not forget Izabella Miko (playing another of the Coyotes), who strips down to her underwear in the middle of a softball game in hopes of distracting the other team. (I know those last two are shallow, but trying to find something good about this movie is like trying to find a diamond in a pile of coal the size of Oklahoma.)

For those who actually care, this disc features both the theatrical cut and the extended version originally released on standard-def disc back in 2005. The extended version adds six minutes of footage, consisting of extensions to the dance scenes (allowing you to see more of the actresses’ dancing doubles), the aforementioned striptease, and a much more explicit version of the love scene (allowing you to now see Adam Garcia get it on with both Perabo and her body double). I’m not sure anyone was exactly clamoring for a longer version, but that never stopped Bruckheimer before (Gone in Sixty Seconds, anyone?).

THE VIDEO

The 2.35:1/1080p transfer is a bit soft and hazy; whether this is a transfer issue or rather is inherent in the source is unclear (the cinematography follows the old Bruckheimer mandate of employing every filter and gel imaginable), but it does leave the video somewhat lacking, especially when it comes to the level of detail, which is quite uneven. Blacks are strong throughout, and colors are sharply rendered.

THE AUDIO

Despite all of the music, dancing, and shouting, the uncompressed PCM 5.1 audio is seriously underwhelming. Low end action is on the lackluster side, and at times dialogue can sound a little too compressed. Surround action is largely relegated to the various musical numbers, which never really achieve a sense of total immersion, as the rears aren’t convincingly integrated into the larger soundstage. English and French Dolby Digital 5.1 tracks are also included; Spanish dubs included a Dolby 5.1 track for the extended cut and a Dolby 2.0 track for the theatrical version. English SDH, French, and Spanish subtitles are available.

THE EXTRAS

The Coyotes commentary (featuring Piper Perabo, Tyra Banks, Maria Bello, Bridget Moynahan, and Izabella Miko) is about as dumb as it sounds. No one has anything to say, but some more unintentional laughs can be found whenever someone tries to make a serious point about the movie’s positive message. (Guess they all forgot about the striptease scene.)

The commentary by director David McNally and producer Jerry Bruckheimer is also worthless. McNally, who would go on to helm Kangaroo Jack for Bruckheimer (that is what’s known in the business as a horizontal move) has nothing at all to offer, while Bruckheimer talks about the material like it was King Lear. (Guess he forgot all about the striptease scene.)

And as if that weren’t enough, the above tracks have been edited together to create a combined audio commentary for the extended cut.

Five deleted scenes (6 minutes), just as silly as the movie itself, are also included.

Coyote 101 (7 minutes) is an EPK featurette centering on the bar set and Coyote training the actresses underwent.

Inside the Songs (4 minutes) is an EPK interview with Diane Warren and LeAnn Rimes.

Search for the Stars (10 minutes) is a series of EPK interviews with the cast.

Action Overload (1 minute) is a montage of footage from the dance scenes.

You also get a music video for LeAnn Rimes’s “Can’t Fight Moonlight.” (If you’re thinking any song with a title like that has to be awful, you’re correct.)

Closing out the extras is the movie’s theatrical trailer.

FINAL THOUGHT

Coyote Ugly is a pretty bad flick, but it’s not bad enough to make it enjoyable. In the end it is simply pointless, unnecessary and instantly forgettable.