In late 1998, lifelong friends Eric (Sam Huntington), Windows (Jay Baruchel), Hutch (Dan Fogler), and Zoe (Kristen Bell) pack their buddy Linus (Christopher Marquette), who has cancer and has been given four months live, into Hutch’s van and head for California, where they plan to break into Skywalker Ranch and take a sneak peak at the first installment in the Star Wars prequel trilogy, which isn’t scheduled to hit theaters for another six months.

CRITIQUE

The only people Fanboys is likely to appeal to are those types portrayed in the movie. If any sort of Star Wars reference or homage sends you into paroxysms of laughter, this movie was made just for you. But if you’re the sort of person who thinks that more than a lifted line or visual nod is required to construct a joke, you’ll likely find the movie excruciating and excruciatingly unfunny. I fall into the latter category, and I still have a thirty-year-old Dagobah Action Playset in my attic, for frig’s sake. What does that tell you?

Five minutes was all it took for me to realize Fanboys was going to be an ordeal. The opening features a text crawl that establishes the action, and it drags on and on, piling on lame joke after lame joke. The first scene has three of the five main characters reenacting the opening of Star Wars at a Halloween party, after which they begin arguing about Boba Fett’s badass-ness, with one asserting that it’s impossible for man to be a badass while wearing a jetpack and citing the Rocketeer as a prime example of this principle (all the while ignoring the fact that the Rocketeer was nailing Jennifer Connelly). The scene culminates with someone paraphrasing (or misquoting) Lando’s first lines from Empire. The subsequent eighty-five minutes offer more of the same.

I suppose you could make a funny movie with this plot, but it would take a hell of a lot more wit and invention than you’ll find here, which is pretty much zilch. (Also, you couldn’t have Fogler in the cast, as it’s become clear Fogler is a comedy black hole, sucking the funny out of anything and anyone around him. He’s like a nine-year-old impersonating Jack Black--a nine-year-old whose parents you wish had never met.)

Aside from the numerous lifts from the Holy Trilogy, the jokes here revolve around a female patron of an internet chartroom who isn’t all she claims to be, numerous run-ins with Star Trek fanatics (dressed in uniforms that don’t resemble Trek uniforms all that much, likely because the filmmakers couldn’t secure the rights), a misunderstanding involving Vegas hookers, a stop at a gay bar (the boys can’t pay their tab, so of course the patrons make them strip), going into the desert with a Native American and getting stoned on peyote, a ridiculous meeting with Harry Knowles (played here by Ethan Suplee, who undoubtedly has a better grasp on grammar and syntax than the real Harry), and a showdown with Skywalker Ranch security (whose uniforms resemble those of the robot cops from THX 1138, which is the cleverest thing in the movie, which is a little like being the leper with the most toes).

Also, there’s a romantic subplot involving Baruchel and Bell. He’s so busy obsessing over the aforementioned female patron of an internet chat room that he can’t see that the incredibly attractive young woman who loves comic books almost as much as he does is madly in love with him. Good grief. (You show me a woman as attractive as Bell who frequents a comic book shop and I’ll show you a woman who has the undivided attention of every male patron of said shop. I was once in my local comic shop and a woman as attractive as Bell walked in. Place suddenly got quieter than a theater screening Basic Instinct 2.)   

The movie is riddled with celebrity cameos, most of the gratuitous, a few of them puzzling. For example, William Shatner plays himself, but Carrie Fisher and Billy Dee Williams turn up as a doctor (whose only function in the movie is to shoehorn in a recreation of Han and Leia’s famous declarations of love) and a judge (whose last name is Reinhold, har-har-har), respectively. How the hell is Shatner himself but Carrie and Billy Dee aren’t themselves? (Speaking of Fisher, how is it that someone with her writing skills can’t recognize a crap script when she sees it?) Seth Rogen plays three characters; two of them get into a fight with each other, which isn’t half as funny as when skinny Peter Jackson fought fat Peter Jackson in Bad Taste.

Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes show up long enough to trot out a joke they’ve already made countless times in Smith’s flicks. Ray Park plays a Skywalker Ranch security guard, and his big moment comes when he gets to use the word “mauled.” Craig Robinson and Will Forte also play guards, and they’re forced to involve themselves in a scene in which our heroes threaten to break priceless props and models that dot Papa George’s office, although any Star Wars geek worth his/her salt will recognize said priceless props and models as a mixture of the sort of replicas that can be found in mail-order catalogs and toys that are available at any Wal-Mart.

Fanboys had a rocky voyage to its theatrical release, which consisted of being unceremoniously dumped to a few screens in early 2009 (and losing a sizeable chunk of change in the process). The movie was largely shot in 2005, with some pickups coming the following year. After director Kyle Newman delivered his cut, executive producer Harvey Weinstein forced him to excise the cancer subplot (which amounts to nothing; it’s mentioned only a handful of times, and Marquette spends the movie getting into fights, running sprints, and looking like he hasn’t missed a meal in years, all things decidedly uncharacteristic of someone with terminal cancer) and shoot some new material, hoping this would make the movie more commercial. Newman was eventually given his walking papers, and Little Nicky director Steven Brill was brought in to shoot even more new material. When word of this leaked, fanboy outrage ensued, and Newman was brought back at the eleventh hour to bring the movie closer to what he’d originally intended.

No one’s coming clean about how much of the final product is Newman’s and how much is Weinstein’s, but it doesn’t matter; aside from the few minutes of Bell in Leia’s gold bikini at movie’s end, this thing’s a bust.

THE VIDEO

The 1.85:1/1080p transfer--encoded with AVC--is standard for this sort of flick. Although I’m pretty sure the movie was shot on film, the overall impression is one of cheap digital photography. The image is a little flat and a little soft, with the level of depth and detail dependent on any given scene’s lighting. It’s not bad for what it is, but it still is what it is.

THE AUDIO

The same is true of the DTS-HD Master Audio 5.1 track. The sound design favors the front channels for most of the movie; the surrounds kick in for a couple of bits of action and to open up the soundtrack selections (in another tired joke, Fogle’s character only listens to Rush), which are the aural highlight. Dialogue doesn’t sound too bad, although you can really spot the bits of ADR work. A French Dolby Digital 5.1 track is also included; English SDH and Spanish subtitles are available.

THE EXTRAS

Unless indicated otherwise, extras here are presented in standard definition.

The ones presented in high-def are exclusive to this Blu-ray disc.

You have the option of watching the movie with an intro by director Kyle Newman and producer Matthew Perniciaro (1 minute, HD), which amounts to them informing you the movie is finally being released on Blu-ray, which you probably already knew.

A commentary features Newman, screenwriters Ernest Cline and Adam F. Goldberg, and Bell, Huntington, and Fogler. It’s not great (it completely sidesteps the behind-the-scenes turmoil, which is a letdown), but it’s far more entertaining and funny than the movie itself.   

A few deleted scenes (8 minutes) offer more unfunny stuff, as well as a look at some pre-re-shoots material, including a certain Luke Skywalker hopeful playing the role Robinson plays in the final version.

The Truth About Fanboys (6 minutes) is a promotional featurette.

Star Wars Parallel (5 minutes) runs down the nods to the original trilogy.

4 Fanboys & 1 Fangirl (9 minutes) offers interviews with the five leads.

The Choreography (4 minutes) looks at the shooting of the god-awful dance sequence in the gay bar.

Disturbances in the Force: A Series of Webisodes (11 minutes) is a collection of behind-the-scenes and promotional featurettes from the movie’s official website, a few of which were recycled for this disc’s other bonus features.

Fanboys Goes Global (6 minutes) offers Newman and Perniciaro a chance to talk about fans’ reactions to the movie.

Fanboys, the Comic Book (HD) is a prequel to the movie. (It looks like the person responsible for the art never saw the movie, as the characters look nothing like their flesh-and-blood counterparts.)

Fanboys, the Gallery (3 minutes, HD) is a collection of behind-the-scenes photos, production stills, promotional art, etc.

FINAL THOUGHTS

If your idea of bliss is receiving a happy ending from a Jedi-era Carrie Fisher while she simultaneously recites the plea to Obi-Wan she planted in Artoo, Fanboys will be right up your alley. But if you prefer a little actual comedy in your comedies, stay away. Besides, the only good jokes about the prerelease insanity and post-release disappointment that surrounded The Phantom Menace can be found in the first episode of the second season of Spaced. And Spaced doesn’t bite, so go watch it instead.