A vengeful spirit travels through cell phones and kills a bunch of incredibly stupid college students.

CRITIQUE

I know it’s early in the year, but you probably wouldn’t lose any money betting on One Missed Call (adapted from Takashi Miike’s 2004 movie Chakushin ari) being the worst movie of 2008. It’s stupid when it begins, stupid when it ends, and stupid in between. The writing is insipid, the performances atrocious, and the direction a poor mishmash of shots swiped from both good and not-so-good flicks. It’s not a movie so much as it is 87 minutes of insults to the intelligence of the movie-going public. But thank God it was released so early in the year; things can only get better from here on out.

Fifteen--fifteen!--producers are listed in the opening credits for this movie. (It didn’t take that many people to produce the Parthenon.) Factor in the writer (Andrew Klavan, who wrote the novel on which Clint Eastwood’s True Crime is based) and the director (Frenchman Eric Valette, making his English-language debut) and you have seventeen people who apparently never stopped to think about how awful the whole enterprise was. (An exorcism performed on a cell phone? Are you kidding me?) That also makes seventeen people who didn’t realize they could have done the world more good by opening a meth lab. So much for the old marketplace of ideas argument, huh?

This is the sort of material that usually attracts should-have-known-better actors because the paycheck comes stapled to a copy of the script, but One Missed Call actually gets the cast it deserves. The ensemble here is so bad you keep hoping someone from the CW/UPN/WB will show up to add credibility. Shannyn Sossamon is so awful she actually gives Lindsey Lohan’s work in I Know Who Killed Me competition for worst performance of the decade; she looks, talks and moves like she’s either just come out of a coma or was buried alive for the better part of a week.

Azura Sky (who likes someone hit Drew Barrymore in the face with a two-by-four) and Ana Claudia Talancon (who somehow looks like both Cerina Vincent and Ruth Buzzi) are equally bad, but were smart enough to pick characters that don’t make it to the end. (I know those were cheap shots at Sky and Talancon, but material such as this practically begs for cheap shots.) It’s hard to judge Edward Burns’s performance, as he looks just as sleepy as he always does. The only bright spot (if you can actually call it that) is Ray Wise, whose hammy delivery and Cheshire Cat grin make it clear he was only in this for the money.

Part of me is tempted to recommend you see One Missed Call because it’s so damned funny. It’s so truly horrid on every level that it offers enough unintentional and derisive laughs to provide a good time. But I think that for every one person who gets a kick out of it there will be four people who want my head on a platter, so I’ll let you weigh the pros and cons for yourself. (The fact that the second act moves at a snail’s pace also makes me hesitant.) I will, however, provide a little more food for thought and offer up a list of things to ponder if you do decide to watch this movie.

First off, ask yourself why any director would hire someone as attractive as Meagan Goode and then kill her off in the first five minutes. Then ask yourself why the vengeful spirit also kills Goode’s cat. Did the poor kitty also receive the ominous call that precedes every death? (I personally don’t know any cats with cell phones, but I don’t get out much.) Ask yourself what kind of college party consists of three guys playing cards and two people fixing spaghetti. Ask yourself why the college these people attend is packed during summer quarter. Ask yourself why, if the movie takes place in June, everyone is dressed like it’s fall and all of the foliage isn’t bright green.

One Missed Call was shot in Atlanta in late 2006, which explains both the foliage and the long sleeves. Trust me when I say nobody dresses this way during June in Georgia. Ask yourself why Sossamon never seems the least bit upset that three of her friends meet grisly ends right before her eyes. Ask yourself if anyone else on the set was able to get anything from the craft services table or if Margaret Cho kept it all for herself (keep in mind what I said about cheap shots).

Ask yourself how Sossamon knows at which church the phone exorcism is being performed, and also ask yourself why the television advertising the program on which said exorcism will be broadcast was on in the first place. Ask yourself if the people at Boost Mobile actually believed this would be good advertising. (Imagine if Delta had agreed to product placement in Die Hard 2.) Ask yourself why, if cell phone messages are the source of all the woe, everyone keeps using cell phones.

Furthermore, ask yourself what’s so damn unsettling about a ringtone that sounds like the bell of an ice cream truck. (I was really in the mood for a rocket pop by the time the movie was over.) Ask yourself why, if dates and time of day are so important to the premise, the script keeps screwing up the chronology? (I’d swear that June 17th is referenced as being a Monday, a Thursday, and a Saturday.) Finally, ask yourself why what happens at the end couldn’t have happened at the beginning and saved all of us from this junk.

THE VIDEO

The 1.85:1/1080p transfer offers a better presentation than the movie deserves. The cinematography favors darkness and shadows, and solid black levels, excellent shadow detail, and a consistently three-dimensional image assure that the video never becomes murky or indistinct.

The cold blues and grays that dominate the color palette look very good, and the occasional bright primaries are also nicely reproduced. Contrast is boosted a bit, giving most of the actors’ faces a slightly orange look, but I’d imagine this is inherent in the source elements. Digital noise is noticeable on a few occasions (primarily in larges swaths of solid colors), but it’s really nothing too bothersome.

THE AUDIO

The Dolby True HD 5.1 track offers exactly what you’d expect. Surround use is relegated to the standard shock noises, stings, and bursts of music; deep bass is also present, booming in such a way as to be a substitute for genuine shocks and thrills. Dialogue is always intelligible, meaning you’ll be able to hear every insipid line with perfect clarity. Dolby Digital English 5.1 and 2.0, French 5.1, and Spanish 5.1 tracks are also included. English, French, and Spanish subtitles are available.

THE EXTRAS

No extras whatsoever are included. Thank God for small favors.

FINAL THOUGHTS