That ancient literary template, “Hero vs. Monster,” spruced up via CGI.

CRITIQUE

The fact that Beowulf is based upon an ancient poem that most of us were forced to read in high school is completely irrelevant here. Most of us barely remember reading it, and the liberties taken with the screenplay reflect enough contemporary storytelling sensibilities to render the point moot.

At its heart Beowulf continues the long tradition of fireside caveman tales: the intrepid hero overcoming insurmountable obstacles that lead up to a victorious finale. This is the stuff of fables: Hercules, Thor, Ulysses, Jason, Sinbad and especially Conan the Barbarian. (If the location was changed to Cimmeria and Beowulf was beardless, it would be the best Conan movie to date!)

In this regard the film is light entertainment, albeit with more crimson gore per pixel than all but the most visceral live action torture-porn masquerading as “horror” movies. (Don’t get Hostel, you Saw ‘em, too.) The wafer-thin plot revolves around a Viking clan who are being routinely slaughtered by a fearsome ogre named Grendel (digital Crispin Glover). Even the toughest proto-Swedes are no match against this misshapen giant who enjoys nothing more than ripping them limb from limb, feasting on the choice bits and tossing their carcasses around like rag dolls. It never occurs that they might cut down on their mead-swilling, women chasing ways and save a little strength for battling Grendel.

Fortunately for King Wrothgar, (digital Anthony Hopkins) a muscled hero sails out of the mist and docks his ship at just the right moment. Beowulf (digital Ray Winstone) sizes up the situation — as well as the King’s young bride Wealthow; (digital Robin Wright-former Penn) and offers his monster-slaying services. At full retail, we assume. Now if you’re thinking that the King adopts Beowulf as his son and the son repays the honor by banging his stepmother, you’d be right! For all of Beowulf’s modern devices the writers chose not to disturb the dusty paradigm of this sort of semi-literature. Somewhere in the middle, John Malkovich grabs every opportunity to chew the cartoon scenery as a red-herring villain.

As an aside, this whole mock-clever business of injecting winky-wink humor in period pictures has gotta go! “I laid her… in her grave,” quips the Nordic barbarian at one point; yanking the viewer out of the story with an elbow in the ribs by writers Rogery Avary and Neil Gaiman. Sheesh. And that’s just the tip of Beowulf’s iceberg. Says Wrothgar, "How is your father?” “Dead," Beowulf replies. One almost expects members of Monty Python to jump out from behind a rock. The writers take other liberties with the story, which originally posited the Vikings as early Christians willing to abandon God in favor of pantheistic god(s) who’d save their smelly hides. All but historians watching the movie don’t know, or care.

The battle between Grendel and Beowulf is pretty damned scary — though not for reasons one might expect. Beowulf decides to fight in the nude, sans weapons, because that’s Grendel’s natural state. It’s gotta be a fair fight! Well, after witnessing this incredible hulk tear apart the supporting players, 99% of the male audience are gonna start getting anxious for the safety of Beowulf’s Nordic ‘nads — and their own, by default.

Nude monster-wrestling may very well be considered fair play in the post Bronze Age, but it seems kind of silly when all the camera angles are obviously composed to conceal prehistoric Viking-junk. (If it’s this noticeable in 2-D, we can only imagine how in-your-face the phallus imagery was when the picture played theatrically in IMAX 3-D!)

Gaiman and Avary hammer the sexual gong all throughout Beowulf, introducing competing plots regarding Grendel’s mother, (digitally butt-naked Angelina Jolie) the Wrothgar/Beowulf/Wealthow/ triangle and eventually a maiden who vies for a stab from Beowulf’s mighty rapier. In fact it’s not Grendel at all who’s the real baddie, for he’s disposed of early on. It’s the [unnamed] Grendel-Mom who really begs villainous attention. In one of the script’s core changes from the source/poem, she (SPOILER)

seduces Beowulf and bears his child, who years later ravages the Vikings in the form of a dragon. Apparently her side of the family possesses shape-shifting genes. (END SPOILER).

It’s awfully difficult to discuss the picture much more without referencing the spoiler, but this happens to be one of the better tricks in the Gaiman/Avary big bag o’ revisionist tricks. The fact that they allow Beowulf to [initially] be a liar and braggart who transforms into a real hero is also a great touch; and in that transformation the characters all age about 25 years. You don’t see that in your average Sinbad flick!

The grand dragon-fighting finale is a bit over the top… not because of the flying lizard per se but rather the new “rules of lore” that the writers liberally borrow from Dragonheart. The title of the latter film should give you a clue as to what occurs in Beowulf, though it’s much bloodier and with the addition of a 1,000 foot fall that Beowulf takes after the deed. That he survives long enough to mutter a few poignant phrases can be chalked up to fantasy logic.

Thanks to state-of-the-art techniques, Beowulf looks terrific. Virtual production design rivals the best that can be had in reality. The characters are highly expressive and almost photorealistic, though the wax-statue eyes still require a bit more “life.” As with The Polar Express, director Robert Zemeckis uses motion-capture technology to create what is, essentially, an epic video game movie.

Only in Beowulf, the audience doesn’t get to choose which labyrinth he goes down or which monster he fights. Of course neither do “regular” movies, but since this one resembles a gaming experience so much, the viewing of it can be a bit off-kilter… you might find yourself reaching for a non-existent joystick.

Nevertheless, it’s a fairly entertaining ride. The acting — as translated via CGI — is on par for any type of hero vs. monster period piece; serviceable enough but low on any thespian’s list of major accomplishments. It’s imaginable that Sir Anthony Hopkins might’ve rationalized, “If Sir Lawrence Oliver went slumming in Clash of the Titans I guess it’s good enough for me.” Winstone and Glover are the only performers whose screen images don’t match their real-life appearances.

Winstone gets the better deal — his Beowulf is a perfectly chiseled hero-icon, constantly posturing and bellowing. (All without having to deal with makeup or costumes. This is the kind of deal that beholden agents to their clients.) Viewers will be amused to learn that he also played the dragon, completing the narrative/thematic circle.

Glover, on the other hand, puts in a more interesting performance. His ogre may be a cannibal but he’s also something of a momma’s boy. And momma? Well, if you ever wanted to see Angelina Jolie fully unclothed here’s your only (probable) opportunity. The characters that she, along with Robin Penn and John Malkovich play could’ve been performed by any competent unknown voiceover artist. They’re just propagating the premise that movie star’s voices somehow make for higher box-office returns. (Thanks to Shrek.)

Not having seen the theatrical version I can’t say if the director’s cut is better, though I’ve heard that it’s bloodier. Whatever.

THE VIDEO

Beowulf is presented in 2.35:1 anamorphic widescreen. There isn’t an inch that doesn’t delight the eyes. Aside from kowtowing to compose flashy three dimensional shots, Zemeckis & crew have crafted a gorgeous film that can be watched silently like a painting in motion.

THE AUDIO

Beowulf is presented in English 5.1 Dolby Digital Surround. Listen carefully, they took just as much care with the sound as was performed for picture. The whizzing of arrows in the battle scenes is eerie, the dragon’s “whomph-ing” wings, even the Anglo-Saxxon dialogue, are superlative. Optional subtitles are included for English, French and Spanish.

THE EXTRAS

A Hero's Journey: The Making of Beowulf: Here’s the latest and greatest in mo-cap technology, which has come even father since the 2005 King Kong remake. Highly impressive to those who enjoy behind the scenes material. It becomes slightly repetitive with the remaining featurettes, but it’s better to have more info than less.

The Origins of Beowulf: This featurette covers preproduction.

Beasts Of Burden: This featurette looks at creature design.

Creating The Ultimate Beowulf: Even more about the production.

The Art Of Beowulf: Exactly that.

Additional Scenes: Below is a list of them.

Wealthow Shows Beowulf the Sundial

Beowulf Boasts to the People of Herot

Celebration and Seduction

Wulfgar Greets Beowulf at the Stockade

Beowulf's Day Unferth Finds the Horn

Cain on the Barrows

FINAL THOUGHTS

Though predictable in plot, Beowulf is bloody good popcorn entertainment — and a watershed mark for animation in motion-capture technology /CGI production design. Worth a rental for casual viewers and a purchase for fantasy aficionados.