Newsreel excerpts and other vintage footage trace some of the more noteworthy of the royal family’s official events of the past nine decades.

CRITIQUE

I winced when I opened the package and this disc slid out. I caught that cover image of the past year’s most famous newlyweds and assumed this release was nothing more than a glorified wedding video. I finally noticed the title, and then I flipped the thing over and read the summary, after which I felt a little better, but not much. Having been stripped of anything but ceremonial powers years ago, the royals are really nothing more than glorified celebrities (in my mind, anyway).

Consequently, I’ve no more interest in anything they do than I do any other celebrities. This disc could have been nothing but footage of the cast of Growing Pains mowing their lawns and still offered me the same amount of entertainment (although at least then there’d be a chance someone would run buy and toss a banana at Kirk Cameron). I know there’s an audience for this sort of thing, but I am by no means part of it.

If you happen to be part of it, though, here’s what you’re going to get: Chronologically arranged, this release combines film footage and still photographs to highlight such royal events as weddings, funerals, and coronations. The first footage comes from the days following the end of the World War I, when the family changed its name to Windsor in order to hide its German lineage (the family took its name from the castle, not vice versa), and the program ends with the announcement of William and Kate’s engagement.

In between you get George VI’s coronation, Elizabeth II’s coronation, the wedding of Chuck and Di (the thought of which reminds me of a great joke from Cheers), etc. The footage comes from newsreels, assorted television broadcasts, and official royal releases. Vintage audio recordings are layered over the still photos, the newsreels are accompanied by their original audio, and bits of narration from Brian Blessed serve to tie it all together.

Unless you’re a royal watcher, I doubt you’ll get anything out of this. It’s formless and repetitive (if you’ve seen one carriage roll down a street while gawkers lining the sidewalks and act like Oprah just gave them a car, you’ve seen them all), free of context or historical value. It’s also fawning and hagiographic beyond belief; it’s almost like watching someone kiss the feet of the royals for 106 minutes. If you’re not a royal watcher, you’ll undoubtedly be bored out of your skull. If you’re like me, and you could go the rest of your life without hearing another word about these people, it will likely be akin to torture.

The only way I was able to keep my sanity was by laughing at the absurd pomp of most of the proceedings. To me there’s just something incredibly funny about watching grown people put on silly costumes and engage in overwrought, laughably arcane rituals. It all looks like a piece of bad fantasy or something you’d expect from members of a secret cabal (and it’s not all that different from the bizarre shenanigans featured in South Park’s “Royal Pudding” episode). The fact everyone involved is able to keep a straight face is astounding.

THE VIDEO

The program is presented in a 1.78:1 ratio, which has been enhanced for anamorphic displays. The framing means that the vast majority of the footage (everything but the William and Kate material was obviously captured on cameras shooting at 1.33:1 or thereabouts) has been cropped, zoomed, or stretched, which makes for a slightly awkward viewing experience. Despite the different vintages, there’s not much of a difference in quality; the older stuff is expectedly scratchy and faded, but even the footage from the past year or so is unnaturally soft.

THE AUDIO

Audio is presented in Dolby Digital Stereo. Not surprisingly, the older stuff is creaky, brassy, and hollow, and it’s filled with pops and hiss. The more recent stuff doesn’t sound too bad, and Blessed’s narration sounds pretty good. English SDH subtitles are available.

THE EXTRAS

The ubiquitous Acorn Viewer’s Guide (which is by far the best aspect of this release) contains a family tree, an explanation of the various titles held by members of the family, a breakdown of the ephemera used during the coronation ceremony, and some trivia tidbits.

The disc itself features text biographies of several Windsors.

Four bonus clips (21 minutes) are also included. Two are old newsreels that focus on George VI, the others bits of footage from William and Kate’s public appearances immediately following their wedding.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Unless you’re really into this sort of thing, you probably shouldn’t come within a hundred yards of this disc.