After the death of his wife, Brooklyn firefighter Larry Valentine (Kevin James) forgot to name his children as beneficiaries of his pension, and now it’s too late to correct the mistake. Fearing his kids will be left in the lurch if he should die in the line of duty, Larry struggles to find a solution.

Inspiration hits after he realizes New York extends the same rights to domestic partnerships as it does marriages, so Larry asks best friend and fellow firefighter Chuck Levine (Adam Sandler) to pose as his partner. The plan seems to work, but when a city investigator becomes convinced their relationship is a sham, Larry and Chuck are forced to actually get married.

CRITIQUE

Someone should sue the Universal marketing team for false advertising. I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry was sold as a comedy movie, but it’s actually neither. It’s not funny, and it’s not so much a movie as it is an excuse to keep Adam Sandler’s friends employed (can’t Allen Covert and Peter Dante find work on their own?). I didn’t go in expecting art, or even anything approaching real filmmaking, but I did think there would be a chance I’d laugh. Turned out I was wrong.

Okay, that’s not entirely true. I’m pretty sure I did actually laugh twice over the course of the movie, which runs just shy of two hours, an ungodly length for a movie such as this (even if it were funny it would still be too long). Thing is, I honestly can’t remember what I laughed at. It certainly wasn’t at anything Sandler or Kevin James did. I’m not crazy about Sandler; in fact, he annoys me to no end. With the exception of The Waterboy, which I like far more than I care to admit, I haven’t cared for any of his movies.

On the other hand, James strikes me as being an incredibly likeable guy, but he doesn’t have the ability to rise above material (and he’d need a rocket to rise above this material). I’m sure everyone had a grand old time making the movie, but you have to wonder if Sandler has reached the point where no one will dare question him or point out when something doesn’t work. It seems that his comedies are rapidly becoming nothing more than footage of him and his cronies goofing off. Pretty soon the Sandler gang will be expecting people to pay ten bucks to see them sit on the couch and watch TV.

The script for Chuck & Larry is credited to Barry Fanaro, Alexander Payne, and Jim Taylor, with the latter two reportedly responsible for the final draft. I have no idea how the hell Payne and Taylor, who wrote Sideways and Election, got mixed up in this. Maybe it was a contractual obligation, or maybe they did it in order to facilitate financing for something of their own (as was the case when they did the rewrite for Jurassic Park III). But if what ended up on the screen resembles what they actually wrote, it’s obvious they had other things on their mind.

The plotting, character development, and humor sink to the level of a really poor sitcom. Sandler, James and just about everyone around them spend the first ninety minutes making homophobic cracks, but everyone learns there lesson just in time for the big courtroom scene (which is ridiculous in the extreme), during which Sandler delivers a lengthy speech about how wrong he was when it came to the gay community.

Then the movie subverts this by staging an across-the-Canadian-border wedding between two gay characters, during which the stereotypes and jokes are trotted out for the sake of few late-inning laughs (thank God Lance Bass shows up to add some credibility). I personally didn’t find any of it offensive, but I can understand why some people would. To me it’s just too stupid and pointless to be offensive. There are plenty of things to get upset about when it comes to gay rights, homophobia, etc., but this isn’t one of them. This movie is one of the things we actually should pretend doesn’t exist. 

The fact Chuck & Larry made it to theaters with a PG-13 rating shows just how useless--and hypocritical--the MPAA really is. There’s a surprising amount of crudity to be found here, including enough sodomy jokes to embarrass a NAMBLA member. Turns out the movie was originally slapped with an R, but Universal egregiously appealed the rating and won. Not to sound like a prude, but this is an R picture if I ever saw one. I can only imagine the number of children who will be irrevocably scarred by exposure to this movie’s content (I only hope they also recognize just how bad it is).

Anyone who saw this movie’s trailer has already seen the only good scene in the entire movie. I am of course referring to the scene in which a dripping wet Jessica Biel (playing the lawyer assigned to help Larry and Chuck prove they’re really husband and husband) parades around in her skivvies and offers Sandler a chance to feel her up. It’s a glorious moment, one that deserves a place in a better showcase.

THE VIDEO

The movie was shot by the great Dean Semler, whose crew employed Panavision’s Genesis HD cameras, so the movie looks better than it has right to. The 1.85:1/1080p transfer on this disc features excellent colors and deep blacks, but contrast runs a bit hot, which sometimes flattens the image (this is especially true in some of the darker interior shots).

THE AUDIO

Universal pulled out the stops audio-wise, opting to give the flick a Dolby TrueHD 5.1 track. The mix is, as you might expect, fairly front heavy, but there’s also some surprisingly effective surround action. The firefighting sequences sound good, and some of the exterior scenes have a nice sense of space and ambiance. The track is also put to good use whenever a song pops up on the soundtrack (such as during the obligatory--not to mention lazy--shopping montage). Dialogue always comes through clearly. English and French Dolby Digital 5.1 Plus tracks are also included. English and French subtitles are available.

THE EXTRAS

The commentary by director Dennis Dugan (Frank Coraci directed Click, so Dugan got this one) isn’t worth your time. He doesn’t have much to say, and what he does have to say isn’t interesting. Then again, I doubt anyone’s dying to hear how this movie came together.

The commentary by Adam Sandler and Kevin James is also worthless. It’s jokey, but it’s not funny. And anyone who’s ever seen Sandler being interviewed already knows why you wouldn’t want to listen to him talk for two hours.

I Now Pronounce You Husband and...Husband? (5 minutes) is a self-serving EPK promo piece.

Look Who Dropped By (6 minutes) looks at the famous (to a degree, anyway) faces who make cameos in the movie.

Stop, Drop and Roll (5 minutes) covers the stunt work (of which there isn’t much).

Several deleted scenes (8 minutes), which can only be viewed in one lump, are also included. Dugan supplies optional commentary for these scenes.

Laughing is Contagious (6 minutes) is your standard blooper reel.

Dugan: The Hands-On Director (5 minutes) has the cast bending over backwards to praise the director.

The HD-exclusive U-Control Friendship Test is an interactive game in which you answer pop-up questions over the course of the movie. Points are tallied at the end and you find out how good a friend you are. Yay.

Web-enabled features are available for those with the right hook-up. As usual, the content is little more than downloadable promo material for other Universal movies.

FINAL THOUGHT

Jessica Biel in her underwear: good. Everything else: bad. This one’s only for people who believe Sandler can do no wrong.