After a life of bachelorhood, 40-year-old Eddie (Ben Stiller) breaks down and marries Lila (Malin Akerman), a woman he’s known only for a few weeks. But Lila begins to change once the ring is on her finger, and the newlyweds haven’t even reached their honeymoon destination before Eddie is having second thoughts. It doesn’t get any easier when he meets Miranda (Michelle Monaghan), who appears to be exactly the person he’s been looking for all his life. With Lila locked away in their suite nursing a painful sunburn, Eddie begins pursuing Miranda, who has no idea he’s pulling a fast one on her.

CRITIQUE

The late Gene Siskel once remarked that only bad movies should be remade. Why? Because that way you can try to get it right the second time. With only a few exceptions, there’s nothing done right the first time that needs to be attempted again. It’s too bad Peter and Bobby Farrelly can’t get that notion through their thick skulls. Their remake of 1972’s The Heartbreak Kid is undoubtedly one of the worst movies of 2007, and a perfect example of why filmmakers with so little to show for themselves shouldn’t go mucking around with something they can’t possibly improve upon.

The original version of this movie was based on a short story by Bruce Jay Friedman, scripted by Neil Simon, and directed by Elaine May. Not a bad pedigree, huh? Sure, all of those people are responsible for their fair share of unremarkable works, but all of their missteps added together can’t equal one Stuck on You or Shallow Hal. The original had bite and wit, and while its characters weren’t exactly the sort of people you’d go out of your way to become acquainted with in real life, they had recognizable, believable qualities, which made you not mind spending two hours with them.

This remake is peopled by stupid, abrasive, annoying louts. There’s no reason to care about them or their plights; you just want them to shut up and go away. The original also had laughs and an actual point, two things the remake is sorely lacking. Couple no point with no laughs and you get no reason for it to exist, much less any reason to see it.

I have absolutely nothing against low-brow humor, at least not when it’s done right, but to me the Farrellys don’t do it right. I’ve never found entertainment value in any Farrelly Brothers movie, not even There’s Something About Mary, which I found to be dull, repetitive, poorly directed, and way too damn long. Their approach to moviemaking is to come up with two or three jokes and then run those jokes into the ground.

That’s the case here, where the same tired gags get repeated ad nauseum. Lila’s a freak in the sack, Lila likes bad music, Lila doesn’t trim her pubic hair, Lila misuses words, etc. And then there’s the tired standby of having old people swear and talk about getting it on. Look, old people using profanity isn’t automatically funny, old people speaking frankly about sex isn’t automatically funny, and old people employing oddball, euphemistic profanities in reference to certain sexual acts isn’t automatically funny.

But poor Jerry Stiller (a man who can normally make just about anything funny), here playing--surprise, surprise--Ben’s father, is reduced to doing little more than boasting about his own sexual escapades and berating his son for not jumping on every available woman who crosses his path. I don’t know if the Farrelly boys think this is hilarious of if they keep doing it in hopes of finally convincing the audience it’s hilarious. Whatever the case, they’re wrong.

It wouldn’t be a Farrelly Brothers flick without jokes about gays, fat women, and crazy old dudes, all of which you’ll find here. I was surprised to find there are no gags involving any mentally- or physically-challenged individuals, but the boys make up for this by throwing in some stereotypical Southerners. Miranda’s relatives are the sort of dimwitted good ol’ folks lazy filmmakers having been trotting out for years. Look, they think Ruby Tuesday’s is the epitome of fine cuisine! Isn’t that hilarious? (Somebody want to explain to me why two forty-something guys who still think jokes about bushy pubes are the height of hilarity believe they have the right to make fun of anybody?)

Even better, in this disc’s audio commentary Bobby and Peter claim the dynamic between Eddie and Miranda’s family is analogous to the different political ideologies of people who love in Blue and Red States. Seriously. They even congratulate themselves for how subtly they wove it into the story. So forget the noisy queef, the bestiality gags, and the jokes about anal rape, this is actually a subtle political allegory. And I suppose Airplane! was really a treatise on the dangers of deregulation in the airline industry, right? Exactly how stupid do they think we are?

A couple of things prevented me from kicking in my television screen halfway through. First is Akerman, who’s far too charming and talented to be stuck doing crap like this. (She’s also apparently willing to disrobe at the drop of a hat, which doesn’t hurt.) She’s really the only person to come out of this boondoggle unscathed. And although in the past their choice of music has been questionable (read: wimpy alt-folk nonsense), here the Farrelly’s employ songs by both The Flaming Lips and David Bowie. It certainly didn’t make the movie easy to take, but any port in a storm...

THE VIDEO

The 2.35:1/1080p transfer looks very good, far, far slicker than you’d expect from the Farrelly’s (although I’d wager cinematographer Matthew F. Leonetti is largely responsible for this). Colors are wonderfully represented, with a natural, nicely saturated appearance, especially in the scenes at the Mexican resort. Detail is impressive, and on the whole the transfer has a film-like, three-dimensional quality. On the downside, some of the darker interiors look a little flat, and horizontal edges in camera pans break up on occasion.

THE AUDIO

The effectiveness of the Dolby TrueHD 5.1 track is hampered by the sound design, which is largely front heavy. The surrounds and low end are only utilized to help open up and add punch to the music. Dialogue is really the driving force here, and it always sounds very good, anchored firmly in the center channel and exhibiting a very natural quality. English, French, and Spanish Dolby Digital Plus 5.1 tracks are also included. English, English SDH, French, Spanish, and Portuguese subtitles are available.

THE EXTRAS

The extras kick off with a commentary by the Farrelly Brothers, which features the duo hemming and hawing for nearly two hours. They discuss the differences between this version and the original, shout out the names of the numerous family members who appear as extras, and go on and on about the story’s political subtext.

Six deleted scenes (8 minutes total) are also included. Like the movie itself, these are pretty worthless.

A gag reel (4 minutes) features clips of the cast screwing up their lines and swearing.

The Farrelly Brothers in The French Tradition (15 minutes) is a pseudo-making-of featurette. It starts off with a lot of nonsense about the Farrellys’ pre-cinema days and then finally touches on the movie.

Ben & Jerry (6 minutes) is an interview with the Stiller fellows, who can’t seem to say enough nice things about each other.

Heartbreak Halloween (3 minutes) is nothing but footage from the Halloween party thrown for the cast and crew during production.

The Egg Toss (7 minutes) is nothing but footage from an egg toss competition staged for the cast and crew during production.

Closing out the extras is the movie’s theatrical trailer.

FINAL THOUGHTS

All The Heartbreak Kid does is prove that the godfathers of the modern low-brow comedy are just as talentless as those who ride their coattails. Stick with the original and pretend this one doesn’t exist (oh, how I wish it didn’t).