Dave Seville (Jason Lee) is a struggling songwriter and musician at his wits end. His one-time friend and current big-time record producer Ian (David Cross) literally tells him to quit, while former girlfriend and neighbor Claire (Cameron Richardson) thinks he needs to shape up and get his priorities back in order. Life’s a mess, and for Dave nothing on the horizon looks to have the potential to spin it around in a positive direction.

Simon, Alvin and Theodore discover coffee in 20th Century Fox's Alvin and the Chipmunks

Enter three talking chipmunks, Alvin (Justin Long), Simon (Matthew Gray Gubler) and Theodore (Jesse McCartney). Not only do these pint-sized mammals have a superb grasp of the English language, their melodious harmonies are the best Dave’s heard in ages. Suddenly the four of them are gigantic pop-music sensations, the kids giddily singing the songs bursting straight out of their newfound friend’s vivid imagination. But Ian wants the new group for himself, and once he starts manipulating the unusual family formed by this foursome might be shattered even before it has a chance to begin.

All you really need to know about this new version of Alvin and the Chipmunks is that is sucks. Not that this probably comes as a surprise (the director is Tim Hill, fresh off of Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties), I can’t imagine people were sitting around eagerly anticipating the film to be a classic. But what is something of a shock is that the script actually does hint at a couple of nice ideas. More, other than two jokes (conveniently both of which are in the trailer) the film eschews the usual smorgasbord of bathroom humor and fart jokes, instead going out of its way to craft a family-friendly message fit for everyone.

Unfortunately, none of it comes off at all well, the picture moving in herky-jerky fits and starts searching for a consistent pace or tone seemingly out of its reach. More, both of the main human characters are hopelessly miscast, Cross doing what he can to enliven things with his patented sarcastic comebacks while Lee just wanders around looking bored hoping for what I can only imagine is a quick end to the misery. The film isn’t funny, isn’t fun and does very little at any time to keep a viewer interested, and even though it runs a paltry 80 or so minutes time flies by so slowly I imagine watching paint dry would seem quicker by comparison. 

And what about the kids? Well, the best I can say there is that two times during the feature did the children surrounding me stop their squirming and actually take interest in what was going on onscreen. On both of those instances the Chipmunks were sitting in front of a television watching “Sponge Bob Square Pants,” just the sound of that hit cartoon’s theme song enough to capture the attention of the pint-sized audience in a far more definitive fashion then anything offered by the movie’s actual storyline. Seems to me, as far as Alvin and the Chipmunks is concerned that should be more than enough information to label this kid-flick an outright holiday bomb.

Film Rating: ê1/2  (out of 4)

Additional Links:

-  Alvin and the Chipmunks Theatrical Trailer