When master criminal Tom Fuller (Mark Moses) designs a computer worm that could threaten national security, crackerjack FBI agent Malcolm Turner (Martin Lawrence) must return to his overweight alter ego Hattie Mae ‘Big Momma’ Pierce to foil his evil scheme. Befriending them man’s wife Leah (Emily Procter) and their two children, Turner must navigate family squabbles and strife as Big Momma, while also doing everything he can to find out the secret behind Fuller’s nefarious plans. It’s a big job, but this FBI agent has seen it all and nothing…

Okay, wait just one darn second. Are you kidding me? Seriously, even for January, the best 20th Century Fox can come up with is this? A sequel to 2000’s “Big Momma’s House,” unsurprisingly called “Big Momma’s House 2?” You mean to tell me there weren’t any phone books looking to be made into feature films? This is actually the best studio heads could come up with?

This isn’t a good movie, not by a long shot. It’s loud, obnoxious, overbearing and filled with so much of Lawrence’s self-indulgent mugging I imagine getting hit in the head with a sledgehammer would be more welcome than sitting through another showing of this. Watching the actor dress up like the voluptuous homemaker once again is downright painful. This wasn’t a good character the first time around, not even remotely, and the only reasons the first film was even partially redeemable was because Paul Giamatti gave it a little dignity and there was a nice touch of subtle sweetness running through the film’s central family dynamics.

Those are both absent here. Director John Whitesell (“Malibu’s Most Wanted”) shows the touch of a tapeworm, eating up laugh and enjoyment possibilities with his heavy-handed manhandling of anything that might be considered even partially amusing. Not that Don Rhymer’s (“The Honeymooners”) screenplay helps matters. It’s about as fun and frothy as a rabid dog chewing your leg off. The plot mechanics are painful, the attempts at humor sophomoric and, maybe even worst of all, for a purported family comedy this has got to be one of the most mean-spirited and virulently stereotypical I’ve had the displeasure to see in ages.

I don’t know. I’m sure I could come up with more to say about the movie but what would be the point? “Big Momma’s House 2” is a full-out body slam to the jugular killing any and all attempts at entertainment. It’s a disaster, a cross-dressing cavalcade of bad ideas and worse performances. Hopefully, next time Martin and company decide to go undercover, they’ll disappear so completely that the resulting picture will be so invisible it won’t even exist.