Liv (Kate Hudson) and Emma (Anna Hathaway) have been best friends since childhood, and for twenty years both have harbored the not-so-secret desire to have a June wedding held at New York’s decadent Plaza Hotel. After their respective boyfriends pop the question, the women suddenly are faced with the real possibility have having their ultimate fantasy delivered into sparkly bejeweled tiara reality, the look of glee spalshed across their faces the only clue required to understand just how much this means to them. 

Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway look to survive 20th Century Fox's Bride Wars

But when an unfortunate mix-up lands both bride-to-be’s wedding on the exact same date, dreamy girly-girl wish-fulfillment suddenly morphs into outright Bridezilla hostility between the one-time BFF’s. Soon they’re going to ever greater extremes to humiliate one another hoping someone will ultimately blink and agree to change their date. For Liv and Emma this is a battle to the death, their once unbreakable bond on the verge of shattering all for the sake of nuptials neither is completely sure she actually wants.

The late, great film critic Pauline Kael apparently used to feel any good review needed at least 1,200 to 1,500 words to be considered a success. I think in this case she’d be okay if I stuck with nine. The. Truth. About. Bride Wars. Is. That. It. Sucks.

Nothing else really needs to be said, and if I left things there even the great St. Pauline herself probably wouldn’t mind. I won’t, of course, as many have let the trailers and the cute-as-a-button posters and promo pictures convince them this one might be worth a gander. It isn’t, though, and anyone foolish enough to let themselves be conned otherwise are in for 88-minutes of brain-numbing swill so beyond the pale of vulgar incredulity it almost defies disbelief.

The screenplay is a total mess, the trio of writers (one of whom, Casey Wilson, just joined the cast of “SNL”) responsible for this scrapping the bottom of the barrel in their quest for laughs. They strand the effervescent and luminous Hathaway with the first completely and totally unappealing character of her entire career, and for anyone who thought Kym was a pain in the ass during Rachel’s wedding just wait until they get a lode of just how horribly unpleasant Emma turns out to be.

As for Hudson, I just don’t know what there is to say anymore. This woman should have won an Oscar for Almost Famous. She should be this generations Irene Dunne (or, at the very least, its Judy Holliday), instead she’s quickly on the road to being a blonde-veiled facsimile of Melanie Griffith. Her downward spiral seems to almost be without an end, and unless she can recover soon she’s quickly going to be another forgotten star struggling to make a living as the second banana on some third rate CBS Monday night sitcom.

In all fairness, director Gary Winick, modest as his talents might be, tries his best to keep things bouncingly along as buoyantly as humanly possible. His use of shorthand during the montage wedding prep sequences is admittedly inspired (a series of still pictures in place of countless minutes of pointless exposition used to propel things forward), and a couple of the big emotional moments are surprisingly restrained.

But both Tadpole and 13 Going on 30 showed him capable of taking semi-trite and moderately tired material and elevating it to someplace rather endearing, and while neither of those films are ever going to be remembered as classics both still exude just enough warm satisfaction they’re hardly chores to sit through. Yet nothing he does here helps, and even if the chocolate-covered shell is technically well constructed the chewy nougat center is such a suffocating waste of time swallowing it is about as much fun as downing a glass of strychnine. 

There isn’t much more I can say. Bride Wars isn’t a movie, it’s an endurance test. This film is as divorced from reality as any romantic comedy I can recall, and if I my nuptials were to look even remotely like the ones depicted here than here is my vote to staying single long into the foreseeable future.

Film Rating: ê1/2 (out of 4)

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