New Clash a Titanic Waste
A good subtitle for Warner Bros. remake of the their 1981 semi-classic Clash of the Titans would be something along the lines of “Titan-ic Waste of Time” or “Mythological Stone-Cold Fail.” Marred by a screenplay that uses only the signature moments of screenwriter Beverley Cross’ original treatment and not using any of the narrative flow that allowed them to naturalistically come to be, director Louis Leterrier (The Incredible Hulk) and company don’t just drop the ball they shatter it into a thousand pieces ultimately crafting an adventure that generates about as much excitement as a root canal.
Sam Worthington and Gemma Arterton in Warner Bros' Clash of the Titans
The basic story remains relatively the same. Young Perseus (Sam Worthington) discovers he’s the half-mortal son of Zeus (Liam Neeson) suddenly finding himself at the center of a battle between Gods and Man centered in costal city of Argus. To save the life of the Princess Andromeda (Alexa Davalos) he embarks on a quest taking him across the known world and into the Underworld lair of Medusa all in the hopes of discovering the key to defeating the monstrous Kraken.
But while those simple threads are similar to the original, the connective tissue making it all make (admittedly silly) B-movie sense is completely discarded. Gone is the love story that gave Perseus the impetus to save Andromeda’s life and in its place is a ham-fisted saga of revenge revolving around Hades’ (Ralph Fiennes) murder of the demigod’s adoptive family. The hero’s arrival in Argus and his subsequent enlistment to save them from destruction has no passion behind it, the script adding the superfluous Io (Gemma Arterton) to explain things to both him and to the audience in order for the subsequent journey to make even a lick of sense.
As the trailers promise, fondly remembered set pieces from Cross and director Desmond Davis’ 1981 version remain like a battle with battalion of gigantic scorpions and the climactic showdown with the Kraken. But while stop-motion pioneer Ray Harryhausen’s effects in the original are admittedly dated they have a pleasing charm the slam-bang CGI of this remake can’t help but pail in comparison to. Leterrier and company come from the school of more is more, and while some sequences do pack an admitted wallop (I sort of loved the fight against the scorpions) the majority didn’t do a darn thing for me.
Granted, a large part of my visual distaste towards the film could be because I had the humongous misfortune of seeing it in 3D. Processed by the studio at the last minute, this haphazard three-dimensional presentation is without question the worst I’ve ever seen (and I’m including retro showings of Creature from the Black Lagoon and House on Haunted Hill). The movie is flat and unappealing, the colors muted and dark. There are moments of ghosting that are downright hilarious, Neeson at one point looking as if he’s got three different ill-fitting wigs on his head all fighting for attention.
For those who have wowed to Avatar, How to Train Your Dragon and Hubble 3D are going to wonder what’s going on, and with 3D ticket prices now pushing $20 in some cities the money audiences are going to be wasting on this visually unappetizing dud is downright insane. There is something to be said for seeing a film in the format it was originally designed for. The filmmakers never intended Clash of the Titans to be in 3D, the muted quality of Warner’s processing of the feature into that format a perfect example of doing things for all the wrong reasons and doing them stunningly badly all at the same time.
The question then becomes whether or not I’d have enjoyed the remake, warts and all, a bit more had the studio screened it for press in its intended format and my answer is that, visual ugliness due to the 3D aside, I really don’t think so. The film feels like a collection of scenes strung together without much in the way of rhyme or reason, a greatest hits piece playing on a viewer’s fondness for the 1981 original assuming no one is going to care if the script is practically nonexistent.
I, however, do care, and even though veteran Danish character actor Mads Mikkelsen (Casino Royale, Adam’s Apples) gives a wonderful performance as Argus soldier Draco and while Worthington makes a far more fetching hero than original Perseus Harry Hamlin ever did I had a tough time sitting through this one. This new Clash of the Titans never grabbed me, never made me sit back in the type of gleeful childlike awe the original, as cheesy as it is, always seems to be able to do. It is, instead, a forgettable retread, and thanks to the horrific 3D it’s a headache inducing one as well.
Film Rating: ê1/2 (out of 4)
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