Boring Dragonball Instantly Forgettable
Excitable teen Son Goku (Justin Chatwin) has just learned from his kindly grandfather Gohan (Randall Duk Kim) that he’s the key to future salvation and the only one capable of standing in the way of the demonic Lord Piccolo (James Marsters). He needs seven mystical orbs called Dragonballs to save the Earth, setting off with intrepid corporate security officer and scientific wizard Bulma (Emmy Rossum) in a race against time to find them.
Emmy Rossum and Justin Chatwin in 20th Century Fox's Dragonball: Evolution
Along the way the duo hook up with the esteemed Master Roshi (Chow-Yun Fat), a martial arts wanderer who knows more about defeating Piccolo then any of them, selfish thief named Yamcha (Joon Park) and, most surprisingly, Chi Chi (Jamie Chung), the most popular girl in Goku’s High School and the secret object of his affections. Together this ragtag group of eccentrics must learn to work together and find the strength within to overcome the obstacles before them otherwise humanity’s toast.
I have never read any of the Japanese manga “Dragonball.” I have never watched an episode of the cartoon series. I have never played any of the video games featuring its characters. In short, I know nothing about this property, why it is so popular with so many or what the differences between the movie and any of those other presentations are.
Would I do know is that said movie, Dragonball: Evolution, is pretty horrific. Idiotically plotted, directed as if on autopilot by James Wong (Final Destination), ineptly designed and haphazardly acted by a bunch of youngsters (as well as a couple of seasoned veterans, who should know better) this one is a tough sit. Its cardinal sin, however, isn’t all of these not-fit-for-even-Cable-television missteps. No, its unforgivable flaw is that it is boring, and the only emotion I could work up after exiting the theater was a yawn.
I actually don’t even think kids are going to care for it all that much. Its family-friendly PG rating is geared right at the prepubescent members of the audience, the film’s violence staying strictly at the level of a cartoon . But the youngsters I saw it with at a morning matinee noticeably squirmed in their seats, and not once did a see a face light up or hear any sort of cackles of appreciation from those most likely to have done so.
I’m not sure what’s going on at 20th Century Fox anymore. They lucked into a popular hit with Taken (it sat on their shelf for two years), while Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li, 12 Rounds and now this have all opened without screenings for press. But this track record of mediocre incompetence stretches back all the way through last year, and now with the bad buzz surrounding X-Men Origins: Wolverine (whose illegal leaking online has created quite the uproar) it’s hard to see the studio turning things around.
I think the bottom line here is that Fox is thinking only of, well, the bottom line. They’re making movies (by and large, Australia doesn’t count and I’d hazard a guess James Cameron’s Avatar won’t either) as if by focus group, going out of their way to make sure they please everyone and anyone and instead coming up with product that no one in their right mind would like.
Dragonball: Evolution is the nadir of that strategy, so bland and uninspiring it becomes immediately forgettable. In fact, it’s only a few hours after the fact and I can’t even remember what it was I was writing about, which if doesn’t say it all then I’m not sure what does.
Film Rating: ê1/2 (out of 4)
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