Three High School Freshmen, best friends Ryan (Troy Gentile) and Wade (Nate Hartley) along with new hyperactive tagalong Emmit (David Dorfman), find themselves on the receiving end of resident evil bully Filkins’ (Alex Frost) wrath. Unable to protect themselves, they hire what they believe to be is a down-on-his-luck former Army Ranger named Drillbit Taylor (Owen Wilson) to be their bodyguard and protector. Hilarity and mayhem supposedly ensue.

Owen Wilson looks for a way out of Paramount Pictures' Drillbit Taylor

The problem, while there is indeed plenty of mayhem, nothing all that hilarious ever does actually occur in the new comedy Drillbit Taylor. Working from an original story by John Hughes (billed under the swashbuckling pseudonym Edmond Dantes) and produced by current comedic wunderkind Judd Apatow, this Steven Brill (Little Nicky) directed mess is pretty much an outright disaster. While far from unwatchable, the film is still pretty an anemic bore, and those hoping for another Knocked Up or Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story are going to be severely disappointed.

If anything, this film is more Weird Science or One Crazy Summer then it is Ferris Bueller’s Day Off or Superbad. The villain is strictly one-dimensionally nihilistic, so bug-eyed and psychotic he’d be better suited to a Saturday morning cartoon. The supposed hero (and I use that word loosely) on the other hand is a lackadaisical loser whom I couldn’t have cared less about, watching him work his magic on the three boys about as humorous and as inspiring as a swift kick to the head by a steel-toed boot.

I admit to liking the three boys. After I got over the fact both Gentile and Hartley were nothing more than second-rate Jonah Hill and Michael Cera clones, I actually didn’t mind either of them. If anything, they have a relaxed chemistry that’s actually moderately sweet, the over-caffeinated Dorfman adding just the right touch of eccentric oddity making the trio somewhat interesting.

There are also two genuine laughs. Both of them are far more mean-spirited then they have any right to be, and neither of them make much sense in the film’s grand design, but they still made me laugh, and considering I sat through the majority of the picture with my hands in my lap wondering when I could leave that’s probably saying something. 

It’s just not saying that much. Seth Rogan (Superbad) and television refugee Kristofor Brown’s (“Undeclared”) screenplay does nothing worthwhile, stranding Wilson to the point where his patented improvisation skills and ability to go off the page and in a new direction becomes muted and obvious. Worse, they give the talented Leslie Mann one of the worst female characters I’ve seen all year, her High School English teacher an even bigger boob then Rachel Bilson was in Jumper. Taken together, all of it adds up to Drillbit Taylor being sent to cinematic detention, hopefully for the entirety of its probably short theatrical run.

Film Rating: êê (out of 4)

Additional Links:

-  Drillbit Taylor Theatrical Trailer