Cate Blanchett and Abbie Carnish discuss secrets in Universal Pictures' Elizabeth: The Golden Age

Not that this picture should ever be confused with monstrosities like Pearl Harbor or Bad Boys II. With Blanchett once again holding the screen like an iron fist, and what with actors as talented as Geoffrey Rush, Abbie Cornish, Samantha Morton, Rhys Ifans, Jordi Molla, Tom Hollander and Clive Owen, the acting is nothing but top-notch. But the script by returning writer Michael Hirst and Oscar-nominee William Nicholson is a mess, so confusingly put together the whole thing resembles a massively ludicrous jumble of events and emotions that by the time the darn thing was over it had given me a headache.

To call this disappointing would be a massive understatement. The original film, for all its historical shorthand, was massively fun to watch. Kapur spun his story dexterously and with absolute conviction, ary a false moment or beat a person could point to and call attention. Sure it was a bit hyperactive and at times over the top, but the silly thing was so entertaining, so fantastically inventive and engaging, I truly didn’t care, and judging by the seven Academy Award nominations sent its way neither did audiences.

The same is not going to be happening here. Set in the turbulent dawn of 1585, it is roughly three decades since Queen Elizabeth I (Blanchett) took control of the British throne. But her crown is still in jeopardy, both from her cousin Mary, Queen of Scots (Morton, excellent if underutilized), still imprisoned in her castle, and by the Catholic King Philip II (Molla, forced to do nothing more than a creepy Snidely Whiplash impersonation) leading his Spanish nation on a fundamentalist crusade backed by the church in Rome.

War is coming, and still trying to protect the Queen is her trusted advisor Sir Francis Walsingham (Rush). He has come across a conspiracy that could lead to her assassination, but if he plays his hand too soon the full extent of the plot and the hand Spain has played in seeing it come to life could escape him. At the same time if he delays his monarch might die. Worse, if he makes a mistake or fails to put the pieces of the puzzle together correctly he could unintentionally send his country even deeper into irreparable despair.

While this goes on Elizabeth battles with her soul when faced with notorious adventurer (and commoner) Sir Walter Raleigh (Owen) freshly returned from the New World. Yet her ultimate love and affection must remain England’s and England’s alone, and with an armada heading their way unlike any the world has ever known the Virgin Queen must put personal thoughts aside and rise to the occasion to become the titanic figure capable of leading her people to victory.

Most of this is basic High School European History, and if you don’t know how it all plays out then you probably weren’t paying too close attention in class. That said, Kapur and company do all they can to make these events as complicated and nonsensical as possible. This is a film that runs just under two hours yet prays, pleads even, for some extra time. Things happen so fast and furiously keeping up is virtually impossible, and by the time Elizabeth finds herself sitting atop a brilliantly white stallion her armor gleaming brightly in the morning sunlight I almost couldn’t help but wonder how we got there.

It’s not all bad news. The picture looks extraordinary, director of photography Remi Adefarasin, costume designer Alexandra Byrne and makeup artist Jenny Shircore (all veterans of the first Elizabeth) doing some of the very best work. Newcomer Guy Hendrix Dyas’ sensational production design also deserves applause, young Cornish is spellbinding as Elizabeth’s favorite lady-in-waiting and the fiery Blanchett once again proves she was absolutely born to play this particular character, holding my attention rapturously even when the movie surrounding her fails to do the same. 

Too bad it’s all for naught. More and more it looks like both Bandit Queen and the original Elizabeth were nothing more than flukes for Kapur, and while this one is nowhere near as horrid as his adaptation of The Four Feathers it still isn’t anything I’d urge him to put very high on his resume. Sad, because there is potential here in this story for greatness, watching The Golden Age miss the mark so horrendously as massive a letdown as any I’ve been forced to experience this year.

Film Rating:  êê (out of 4)

Additional Links:

-  Elizabeth: The Golden Age Theatrical Trailer