To all outward appearances Tripp (Matthew McConaughey) is the perfect man. He’s funny, successful, loves life, adores nature, has a sensitive side and isn’t afraid to show his emotions when the situation calls for it. Deeply sexy, this 35-year-old yacht salesman is a blissful dream, nothing negative about him weighing enough to make a person not give him the mantle of the ideal male.

Well, almost nothing. For one thing, Tripp does have commitment issues. Worse than that, he still lives at home, and while parents Al (Terry Bradshaw) and Sue (Kathy Bates) love their son dearly that doesn’t mean they still wouldn’t mind having the house to themselves. Which is exactly why they have contacted Paula (Sarah Jessica Parker), a professional specializing is getting sons to finally fly the parental coop. Her brand of magic has never failed, and she’s sure she’ll work just the right mojo to get Tripp to finally spread his wings.

Not that it could be that easy. Tripp has secrets and Paula has issues, both of them inevitably having to collide in order for these opposites to fall in love. The thing is, when the secrets and issues are as boring and banal as the ones in “Failure to Launch,” my trying to care is more difficult than anything these cardboard characters are trying to accomplish. This isn’t just pointless, it’s idiotic, and spending time with Tripp and Paula is about as enjoyable as being stuck in a room with an uptight IRS auditor grieving over his dead Chia Pet.

If you’re getting the idea I didn’t like this new romantic comedy from Tom Dey, the director of “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days” and “Shanghai Noon,” you wouldn’t be wrong. “Failure to Launch” isn’t just bad, it’s shockingly bad, so inept in so many fantastically different ways that the film gets more comedic mileage out of its ineptitude than it does out of anything hiding within the script. The film hasn’t a clue as to what it is doing and seemingly doesn’t care if it accomplishes a darn thing, neither one of those traits usually equated with success, commercial or otherwise.

If anything, the whole thing reeks of nothing more than a second rate pilot for a bad sitcom. No surprise there, especially when you consider the best things on screenwriters Tom J. Astle and Matt Ember’s resumes are “Coach,” “The Hughleys,” “Becker” and “The Jenny McCarthy Show.” While I am sure all of those programs had their merits, feature film potential is probably not one of them.

But then, neither does “Failure to Launch.” There is no flare to the picture, no nuance to the pair’s writing, everything here screaming in pain because it hasn’t a clue as to what to do with itself. This is the type of film where crazed obnoxious animals doing things they never would in the real world passes for wit, while kidnapping, blackmail and digital voyeurism are cute and endearing forms of courtship sure to produce a lasting romantic bond.

Pity, because the performers all seem like they should be able to make at least some of this stuff fly. McConaughey is definitely easy on the eyes, while Parker shows her usual flair for physical comedy. Too bad they don’t have a lick of chemistry, both Tripp and Paula so icy towards one another you get the feeling it’s more likely to find a sticky sweet Cherry Frosty developing between the twosome than eternally blissful love. You don’t buy their romance for a second, and for a film billing itself as a romantic comedy this poses quite a problem.

The rest of the cast does what they can. Bates and Bradshaw make a surprisingly zesty adult pair as the tired parents, while Justin Bartha almost deserves his own movie playing one of Tripp’s acerbic and quirky best friends. Best of all is Zooey Deschanel, her truly inspired bit of lunacy so fantastic she steals the picture. Like Anna Faris in “Just Friends,” Deschanel elevates “Failure to Launch” every time she appears onscreen, her character so wondrously bizarre it was like a cool breeze wafting through an open window on a particularly sweltering summer day.

Really, though, how is a person supposed to take any of this remotely serious when the most original thing the filmmakers can come up with is a man-eating dolphin and a chipmunk with a bite reminiscent of a Komodo Dragon? The whole thing is abysmal; there is no style, no pacing and – worse – no romance and no comedy. “Failure to Launch” is a tiredly unfunny mess, and the only thing remarkable about any of it is just how completely unremarkable the whole thing really is.