Just Say No, Joe
Paramount Pictures has gone out of their way to make sure their new big budget action spectacular G.I. Joe: The Rise of the Cobra was not seen by press before its release. Based on a popular line of Hasbro toys who already spawned a popular 1980’s animated series as well as a successful series of comic books, this film has been generating bad buzz for months, the studio going with the idea that the fewer people who see it before its opening the better.
Channing Tatum is a real American hero in Paramount Pictures' G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
For some inane reason I was understandably curious what the hubbub was about. I mean, while it has become common place to keep schlock horror films and their ilk from critics it’s rare when a studio decides to hide a major Summer tentpole entry and potential franchise starter no matter how awful it might be. I mean, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and Land of the Lost screened so, seriously, how bad could this one be?
Sitting here at 2:30 in the morning, roughly a half hour after exiting the theater, I admit to wishing I hadn’t learned the answer. This Stephen Sommers directed monstrosity is seriously terrible, worse than any of the filmmaker’s previous misfires. In fact, this one almost makes Van Helsing look like an Oscar-winner in comparison, and considering just how universally despised that one is this is saying something.
On paper it shouldn’t be quite this horrible. There are some nice casting choices such as Christopher Eccleston as a duplicitous arms dealer with a hidden agenda, Ray Park as silent government ninja Snake Eyes looking to exact revenge for the brutal killing of his teacher, Byung-hun Lee as his evil doppelganger Storm Shadow and Dennis Quaid as the charismatic and stubbornly forthright General Hawk. Best of all is Sienna Miller as the potentially evil Baroness, the actress slinking around in a fabulous array of leather outfits shooting her weapons as lethally as any guy while tossing off effortless quips that would make Schwarzenegger proud.
But they’re given nothing interesting to do. Writers Stuart Beattie (30 Days of Night), David Elliot (Catacombs) and Paul Lovett (Four Brothers) have crafted as idiotic an origin story as any I can ever recall, the whole thing so remarkably stupid if it wasn’t so annoying to sit through I’d almost admit to being impressed. The film is a hodgepodge of action, science fiction and comic book clichés that have been laughably out of vogue since Joel Schumacher thought it was a good idea to put nipples on the Bat Suit, and the only thing cool about any of it is… is… is… well… nothing.
There has been a rumor circulating that Sommers got fired as soon as he turned in his cut to Paramount and was secretly replaced by Oscar-nominated editor Stuart Baird (Casino Royale, Executive Decision). I have no idea if this is true or not but if it is I can only imagine how excruciating it must have looked to the studio brass because what was projected this evening to me and my group of friends was mighty disgusting, the rest of miniscule audience sitting in eerie silence nearly as dumbstruck by it all as we were.
Random side questions:
- Who thought it was a good idea to throw the main characters into what are more or less ‘super suits’ and why couldn’t producers have hired Samuel L. Jackson and Kimberly Adair Clark to at least reprise some of their classic lines from The Incredibles (“Honey, wa-aiiiir is my super suit?” “Wa-iiiiiiii do you need it?”)?
- Why put Channing Tatum in the movie if all you’re going to do is have him scowl the whole time and never, save for one brief exception, let him take his shirt off? (At least Fighting got that one right.)
- What on earth possessed anyone to cast the diminutive – if highly talented – Joseph Gordon-Levitt as the crazed scientist who becomes Cobra Commander? He’s about as believable as say Brit Jonathan Pryce would be if he were to portray an American President (oh, wait, that actually happens here as well, my bad).
- Finally, if you’ve got Ray Park choreographing your martial arts battles why instruct him to copy move for move and moment for moment the same climactic one he created for Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (in more or less the same exact locale)?
I could say more but, really, what would the point of that be? There is nothing neat here, nothing exciting or worth grabbing hold of to at try and make any of it sound palatable. The potential of the property is sent straight out with the bathwater, and if Hasbro thought they had a cash cow the size of Transformers on their hands they’ve definitely got another thing coming. I can’t imagine anyone is going to be happy about any of this, and if for some strange reason they do then that’s a good excuse right there to commit them to the sanitarium and have their sanity looked at.
As a kid, I use to love those 30-second codas at the end of every cartoon episode where some little fun fact or life lesson was imparted by someone like Duke, Scarlett or Ripcord, their closing line letting us in on the fact that knowing is half the battle. After spending two hours at midnight with G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra what I know is that this movie seriously sucks, those spending money to watch it going to want it back with interest the moment it’s over.
Yo, Joe? How about I say no, Joe, and then call it a night?
Film Rating: 1/2ê (out of 4)
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