No matter what you might think (or what the trailers have led you to believe), the new horror/thriller Primeval is about a gigantic 25-foot man-eating crocodile ravaging the African country of Burundi. This is the serial killer the ads have talked so ominously about, the monstrous being who has taken over 300 lives. It’s Lake Placid moved to a war-torn desert tundra, and if you’re thinking this is going to be about something else you’ve certainly got another thing coming.

Okay, sure, in the spirit of full disclosure there is a more going on in the film than that. There’s also a vicious African warlord who is just as bloodthirsty, maybe even more so, than the creature at the picture’s center. More, writers John Brancato and Michael Ferris go out of there way to craft geopolitical parallels to the crocodile, the warlord and to American responses genocide, an ambitious set of goals for two guys responsible for writing Catwoman if I do say so myself.

Needless to say, Primeval fails miserably on almost every count. As a freakishly unsettling creature-feature, this is no better than what they show on the Sci-Fi channel every other weekend. As a thriller investigating the horrors of African genocide, it is downright pathetic. As a combination of the two, the film is downright laughable.

For those who want to know, a team of American journalists (Dominic Purcell, Brooke Langton and Orlando Jones), a scientist (Gideon Emery) and a guide (Jürgen Prochnow) are sent by a television news outlet to capture a giant crocodile munching on local Burundi villagers. While there they cross paths with a cutthroat warlord who marks them all for death. Mayhem, chaos and bloodshed ensue.

And boredom.

Lots of boredom.

Acres upon acres of boredom.

I’m pretty positive director Michael Katleman wouldn’t know how to generate suspense if James Cameron or Alfred Hitchcock stood behind him and gave the guy instructions. Other than one great early scare just offshore from a small village and one admittedly fantastic tree-assisted escape, this movie is as ponderous and as mind-numbingly idiotic as anything I’ve seen in quite some time. In fact, the only thing Katleman does achieve is to make 90-plus minutes feel like two hours, and while that’s not exactly a talent I’d put on a resume it is certainly some sort of a talent nonetheless.

There’s not much else to say. If the rather intriguing trailers have done their job and have sucked you in to seeing this then, please, let me issue my apologies. If, on the other hand, you weren’t quite sure if this was the movie for you then heed my warnings and stay away. Primeval isn’t just bad, it’s monstrous.

Film Rating: ê  (out of 4)