If 2003’s “Underworld” looked and felt like a movie that should have been based on a comic book, than “Underworld: Evolution,” opening today, is a movie that looks and feels like something that should have been a video game. Taking place over, what looked like to me, a muddy and frenetic 30-plus-hour period, the flick is shot-out-of-a-cannon-style filmmaking, hurtling from one big event to the next with all the subtlety of a WWF smackdown between 350-pound Neanderthals.

Literally picking up right after the events of the previous adventure, vampiric death dealer Selene (Kate Beckinsale) and vampire/lycan hybrid Michael (Scott Speedman) are on the run for their lives after the former dispatches coven leader Viktor (Bill Nighy). Unknown to Selene, the last of her group’s elders, Marcus (Tony Curran), has been awaken by some accidentally spilt werewolf blood making the super-strong immortal even more powerful. Marcus needs both of the fugitives to accomplish a secret goal, a goal that could rain destruction and terror upon human, vampire and werewolf alike for all time.

With time running out, Selene and Michael uncover more of the truths behind Viktor’s labyrinthine mendacities, and with assistance of vampire historian Adrian Tanis (Steven Mackintosh) are led to a mysterious sailor (Derek Jacobi) who holds the key to stopping Marcus. For generations, he has stood on the sidelines watching this war rage between the two species, doing what he can to clean up their messes making sure humanity never knows about the creatures walking silently amongst them. But now, with hope hanging by a thread, this stranger can no longer stay impartial, his blood and Selene’s courage the only things standing between Marcus and world devastation.

It’s pretty silly stuff, and director Les Wiseman and Danny McBride’s story shows no more subtlety this time around than it did in the last episode of this series. Hurtling between 1202 A.D. and the modern day, the duo impart their exposition in-between spurts of steroid-enhanced ultra-violence, this movie so beefy and brawny all it’s missing is some Conan-like assassin wielding a humongous axe. No, this isn’t a film made for those who like their entertainment coming with a side of intelligence, everything you really need to know about the plot mechanics (save for one great big secret I’m not about to disclose) gleamed from watching the feature’s trailers and television ads.

Still, if this sort of thing is your piece of toast than “Underworld: Evolution” even includes a side of honey. Wiseman may still not be the best writer, but he is growing as a director. At least of action scenes, this movie is boasting some of the best butt-kicking and bone-crunching in a B-level monster mash I’ve ever seen. The fights move with a kinetic ferocity missing from the first installment, culminating in a hybrid vs. werewolf, Selene vs. Marcus showdown almost worth the price of a matinee admission all on its lonesome.

Almost. Wiseman is so obsessed with keeping the speed stuck at maximum he forgets to ever slow down enough to actually let the characters evolve. Michael is literally dealing with his first day as a hybrid, and yet his internal dilemma at never being able to eat solid food or having to spend the rest of his life in the shadows is dealt with so quickly if you blink you’ll probably miss watching him become okay with it. Poor Selene, on the other hand, finds out her entire life is even more of a lie than she could ever have imagined it to be, and one quick gulp of blood from a shadowy benefactor is all she apparently needs to put that behind her and deal with Marcus once and for all.

When the film does finally decide to slow down, it does so for one of the most ludicrously placed sex scenes in recent cinematic memory. Granted, it’s a hell of a sexy sequence, both Speedman and Beckinsale salivating all over one another so thoroughly and with such unbridled passion I could swear I could feel the temperature in the theater raise a few degrees as they were fondling one another. But the whole thing makes no sense, none at all, and as pretty as the two of them are together when it’s all finally over I couldn’t help but giggle like a twelve-year-old schoolgirl.

No matter, for those wanting to see another vampire-werewolf brawl running thick with blood and gore, this is definitely the January treat for which you were waiting. For me, there are far too many unanswered questions, too many plot strands left undeveloped, far too much emphasis on gun fighting over plot mechanics. It ain’t rocket science, and it sure as heck isn’t going to win any awards for sensitivity or smarts, but “Underworld: Evolution” delivers on exactly what it promises; nothing more, nothing less. While I’m not exactly sure that’s a character trait worthy of applause, I’m not about to pull my hair out throwing a fit, either.