“Yours, Mine & Ours” just might be mine, yours and everyone else’s most brutally obnoxious nightmare come to cinematic life. It is a tedious, tired and completely unnecessary remake stranding two wonderful stars (Dennis Quaid and Rene Russo) in a picture so banal, overblown and remarkably unfunny it’s hard to understand what possessed either of them to be in it in the first place.

Frightening fact, it took six writers to update the Henry Fonda-Lucille Ball 1968 original. That’s six people to craft a screenplay and story that was already as thin as a pancake to begin with four decades ago, an original that was nothing more than a television sitcom masquerading as a feature film before such things were as commonplace as raspberry jam on toast. This remake is nearly unforgivable, even making the wretched Steve Martin vehicle (itself a remake) “Cheaper by the Dozen” look like high art in comparison.

There is one funny scene, and it’s all thanks to Russo. The newly re-married mother of 18 tosses off a look about half way through of wry, semi-detached dry amusement that’s nearly priceless. Of course, the question is whether or not this look is a response to the chaos (and supposed hilarity) going on around her or whether it is a comment on how she feels about wasting her time (and talent) in such a mess. Either way, it’s the best thing in the entire film, the one and only moment I actually found myself smiling and not wishing I were someplace else.

Other than that, there is nothing even remotely worthwhile to recommend about “Yours, Mine & Ours,” nothing whatsoever. Still, I am happy about one thing, and maybe director Raja Gosnell (“Scooby Doo”) and company can take solace in that. What is it, you might ask? Well, this review is now officially the shortest one I’ve ever written (excluding capsules), and that includes the stupid five paragraph only ones I was required to compose for my high school newspaper. Not a great achievement, true, but a person has to take their happy ending where they find them.