House of the Dead  (2003)

Starring: Ona Grauer, Jonathan Cherry, Tyron Leitso

Director: Uwe Boll

Rating: R

Distributor: Artisan Home Entertainment

Release Date: January 27, 2004
Review posted: January 27, 2004

Spoilers: Minor

Reviewed by Gregory L. Amato

SYNOPSIS

Five friends travel to the Isla del Morte to attend a massive rave. They slowly realize that the rave is very much over and that the island is inhabited by zombies.

CRITIQUE

“The House of the Dead” is so incredibly bad that it’s almost funny, but not quite. The film occasionally tries to be dramatic, or have a “Matrix”-style action quality to it, but both attempts fail miserably. The only reason I wasn’t wondering why anyone would pay $9 for this film was because I was busy wondering how this film ever got produced in the first place.

For the uninitiated, “The House of the Dead” is loosely based on the popular arcade and console video game series of the same name. In these games, players use light guns to shoot zombies before being torn apart, or before random innocents are killed and/or eaten. If you think watching someone play this game in your local arcade for an hour and a half would be fun enough to pay $9 for, this movie is for you, as you will be treated to various spurts of actual video game footage in addition to a live-action film that is trying to be a video game, with extra swearing and nudity, of course.

Five friends want to go to the Isla del Morte where the mother of all raves is being held, so they charter a boat from one Captain Kirk, played by Jürgen Prochnow, the actor most widely known as the commander of “Das Boot”. They arrive only to find that there are no fellow ravers to party with, only a trashed party scene and a blood-soaked shirt. They then give almost an entire moment’s thought as to what this might mean. Soon the horny couple is getting it on while the other three friends go in search of answers to a dreadfully evil-looking house where they find a few survivors of the horrible zombie attack. Still unconvinced by a sloppy digital recording that couldn’t possibly show how scary the zombies don’t look, they return for their oversexed friends. Meanwhile, Captain Kirk is rather nonplussed at being attacked on his boat by swimming zombies. He simply shoots them without a word or even an expression of surprise, seeming to say with just a look, “Oh, I’m being attacked by zombies just like in that video game - no biggie.”

The story continues predictably, with the exception of a few elements thrown randomly into the mix. The friends return in time to find that one of the lovers has been turned into a zombie while the other was trapped in a tipped-over portable toilet; hence the money line “I guess you’re in deep shit!” A heavily armed woman named Casper (Ellie Cornell, looking bored) who seems to be from the Coast Guard, comes to the rescue out of nowhere, and the stage is set for a long showdown with the undead. Luckily Captain Kirk levitated off his boat (maybe Scotty beamed him off) before it was overrun by zombies, and now he just happens to have a Rambo-sized stash of weapons on the island already. At that point our (magnificent?) seven stalwarts make for the safety of the house, where they take cover and eventually discover the history of the island and the secrets behind the zombies.

“House of the Dead” could have been a fun, if silly, campy romp. Instead, the funniest lines come from actors trying their best not to sound funny (“Maintain alpha alert!”), and the action sequences are horribly misguided both when they are played out like the video games and when they try to be like “The Matrix.” In one scene, Rudy (Jonathan Cherry) is supposed to be conflicted over a friend who died to save his life, but is all better after his girlfriend kisses him. I guess if you’re 12 years old that seems pretty cool. Likewise, the fight scenes and many camera shots that pan around our characters as they shoot, kick, and chop their way through the zombie horde are boring, and look even sillier in light of the excellent fight scenes in films like “The Matrix.” That zombie only missed Rudy with his sword by two or three feet!  Wow!

A few images that are reminiscent of other films: A “Jaws”-like view of a topless raver while swimming (with nudity but no suspense, unlike in Spielberg’s film), and an “homage” to the “Fellowship of the Ring” where Will Sanderson hides underneath an outcropping with a tree, conjuring images of four hobbits hiding from a black rider in exactly the same manner. These scenes are out of place at best, and the inclusion of footage from the game makes the film seem like a 90-minute commercial. 

Despite the film’s R rating, it is definitely aimed at crowds younger than 17.  Pubescent audiences looking for guns, girls, gore, and stuff getting blown up will probably be thrilled, but even that might be overestimating what will almost certainly be considered the worst film of 2003.

THE VIDEO

Artisan presents House of the Dead in 1.85:1 anamorphic widescreen. Colors look adequate and clear enough, but much of the film is shot in the dark. Sharpness and detail are fine, though the bits of footage from the game look terrible. Dark tones and black levels are mostly solid. The print image seems to be clean and grain is only noticeable in some of the shots at night, and in the flashbacks that are shot in black and white (though this is probably intentional for the black and white shots).

THE AUDIO

Artisan presents House of the Dead in English 5.1 Dolby Digital Surround Sound, in 6.1 DTS-ES Digital, and in 2.0 Dolby Stereo Surround, giving the viewer plenty of choices. While the sounds are fairly clear and the dialog is easy to understand, the music is just heinous. Think "Heavy Metal: F.A.K.K. 2" with techno and rap/metal.

THE EXTRAS

"Depending on your state of mind or inebriation, you may or may not like that joke." – Executive producer Mark Altman, during his audio commentary where he discusses naming Jurgen Prochnow’s character “Captain Kirk”

The DVD almost redeems the film by offering a commentary track with director Uwe Boll, post-production supervisor Jonathan Shore, producer Shawn Williamson, and actor Jonathan Cherry. Make no mistake though, this is clearly Boll’s commentary and he takes up the vast majority of the time on this track. In the beginning he explains at length a way to order a dry cappuccino grande at Starbucks in an alternative way and save two dollars. When one of the others present suggests that the viewers probably don’t care, Boll says they might be more interested in that than in the beginning of the film. Boll comments on things from the inability to get product placement in horror films (hence no free coffees or burgers) to a monster that looks like “A big sperm.” At one point he even gets a call on his cell phone and talks to Christian Slater for a minute. All the participants make fun of things in the film, including a lamp that’s turned on in a house that couldn’t possibly have any electricity. This track is often so silly that it’s like watching "Mystery Science Theater 3000," only with Boll’s German accent, and it’s much more fun than the film itself.

The second commentary is from executive producer Mark Altman who offers more insight into the making of the film. In other words, it’s more of the type of commentary you would expect. Thankfully Altman has a lot to say, so we aren’t stuck with long gaps of silence, and it’s obvious that he was very intensely involved in this project. Altman’s commentary is good, though in a very different way from Boll’s, and it includes a bit of his own humor to break up the monotony.

Stacked for Zom-bat: The Sexy Babes of House of the Dead is perhaps the most inexplicable extra on the DVD. While it isn’t surprising that there is an extra that includes bikini shots of the women in the film, this extra amounts to the following: Ona Grauer, Sonya Salomaa, Ellie Cornell, and Kira Clavell go for “zombie boot camp” to train in the art of zombie killing. This means they go play the "House of the Dead" arcade game. Ellie Cornell is mysteriously absent for this exercise. Then all four women get outfitted for paintball and shoot some poor saps whose job it is to look like zombies and walk slowly as they are hit by paintballs. Later the zombies commandeer some of their own paintball guns and shoot back. At the end the women get into bikinis and jump into a hot tub after a hard day of work. Running time is nearly six minutes.

Behind the House: Anatomy of a Zombie Movement looks the origins of "House of the Dead," previous zombie films, and focuses a great deal on special effects used in the movie.  Most notable is commentary from George A. Romero, who is looking to make a fourth “Dead” film. Running time is eighteen minutes.

Deleted Scenes and Storyboards don’t add much. The storyboards have little that isn’t already in the commentaries, and the deleted scenes are not the kind that make you wonder why they were deleted. The Theatrical Trailer is also included as are half a dozen bonus trailers (including one for "The Punisher") are also on the disc.

FINAL THOUGHTS

"The House of the Dead" is a pretty bad movie by any standards. If you really must see this for yourself, I would recommend watching it with several friends, one of whom should probably be Jack Daniels. Even then I would recommend turning on the commentary from director Uwe Boll for comic relief.

VERDICT: SKIP IT

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