So, let’s get
this straight: A strange species of aliens come to be known as
Predators come to Earth thousands of years a go and teach ancient
civilizations how to build complex structures such as pyramids and are
revered as Gods. With them, they also bring a serpent-like race of
Aliens whom have concentrated acid for blood and whose only thoughts
are of survival.
The first is
the perfect hunter: Cunning, lethal and masters of weaponry. The
latter is the perfect killing machine: Instinctive, vicious, hive-like
and adaptive. Together, they wage war; one for survival, the other for
the sport; and for centuries the human race has been caught smack dab
in the middle.
Okay. I’ll buy
that, I guess. Why not? It’s not like we’ve got any better ideas on
how these ancients managed to build the pyramids. Works for me. And in
a silly, over-the-top, B-movie sort of way, it actually makes perfect
sense. I mean, if King Kong can battle Godzilla and Frankenstein and
the Wolf Man can lock hands, err, claws, err, whatever, than I guess
this could happen, too.
But really,
does the masterful and imaginative “Alien” series need to be turned
into this silly, tongue-in-cheek battle royal? I don’t really mind
pilfering “Predator,” the first is the only good film of the duo as it
is, but the former series is one of the greatest in science fiction
history. Each of the four films – flaws of parts three and four
notwithstanding – brought cinema just as many visionary filmmakers,
each adding their own distinctive coloring to a mythology that only
grows in terrifying resonance each successive viewing.
Yet here we
have “Resident Evil” director Paul W. S. Anderson’s “Alien vs.
Predator” whether we wanted it or not. And, even if it is perfectly
amusing in a juvenile night at the movies sort of way, it’s still more
than a tad disconcerting to see this classic cache of pictures reduced
to a rock’em sock’em video game.
Luckily, it’s
a pretty good game. Anderson sets this monster mash in an underground
arctic pyramid that’s one part Rubix Cube, one part rat maze and all
House of Horrors. Using a mix of familiar faces – Lance Henriksen of
“Aliens” and “Alien3” – and talented newcomers – Sanaa
Lathan from “Out of Time,” Raoul Bova of “Under the Tuscan Sun,” Ewan
Bremmer of “Trainspotting” – Anderson gives his audience interesting
human characters to respond and relate to. And, as if he’s gone
through both series with a fine tooth comb (which he probably did),
the director includes every bit of lore, mythology, weaponry and
creature traits he can stuff into the movie’s (thankfully) brief
100-minute runtime.
Essentially,
and without surprise, this is an unreviewable picture. It’s beyond
silly, full of logically impaired characters doing increasingly stupid
things as the film progresses. But that’s forgivable in some weird,
alternate universe sort of way just as long as Anderson delivers the
expected power punches, double-jaw bites and acid-laced
disembowelments. And he does, once at the midway point with a
mano-y-mano Alien/Predator smackdown, and then again at the end with
Lathan and one of the Predators joining forces to battle the massive
Alien Queen. These sequences are viscerally thrilling, delivering a
combination of action, suspense, humor and preposterousness that – for
lack of a better term – had me glued to my seat.
What isn’t
forgivable is Anderson’s mangling of “Alien” mythology. In trying to
compress everything in such a short period of time, full-grown Aliens
spring forth almost immediately from within their human hosts, while
Predators kill or spare their human guinea pigs almost
indiscriminately. It is as if the laws and modis operandi laid down in
each characters film series isn’t important, only the anticipated
paring of the two titanic creatures mattering to Anderson. But it does
matter and, especially in the case of the Aliens, it’s nearly
unforgivable.
But then, I’m
being a hard-ass towards a movie that really doesn’t deserve one. Like
I said, this picture is unreviewable, and you either buy into its
wacky world of monster versus monster exuberance or you don’t. I’m not
saying that I do, but Anderson sure makes it difficult to hold out.
With extraordinarily realized production design by Richard Bridgland
(“Richard III”), astounding visual work from Oscar-winner John Bruno
(“The Abyss”) and astonishing creature effects by “Alien” series
veterans Alec Gillis and Tom Woodruff, Jr., there is much here for the
eyes to enjoy and take in. And while the acting isn’t stellar – it’s
“Aliens vs. Predator,” folks, did we really expect it to be? – both
Henriksen and Lathan acquit themselves more than admirably.
In many ways,
then, this film is a success. Well, nearly a success. While
this is a silly picture, the lapses in logic and intelligence do get
more than a little tiring as things draw to a close. And, while
certain moments can’t help but pack a physical punch, others fall so
hollow I could still hear the echo long after I’d left the theater.
Finally, Anderson, for all his talents as a visualist, his abilities
as a storyteller are proving to be more and more limited. In film
after film, from “Event Horizon” to “Soldier” to “Resident Evil,” he’s
proven time and again he’s great at the setup; crummy in the
denouement, and that doesn’t change here.
Whatever. Not
really like any of what I say matters where it comes to a picture as
pre-sold and pre-packaged as this one is. For what it’s worth, while I
can already foresee the box office turnstiles spinning flush in
greenbacks, “Alien vs. Predator” does merit a look, but only in the
comfort of your own home with King Kong and Godzilla moonlighting on
the double bill. At least then you can fast forward to the fisticuffs
and leave all the extraneous parts in the dustbin where they belong.
