Charlie Sticks in the Throat

Some reviews just kill you. They eat your heart out so bad you’re not even sure where to begin. I know that isn’t something critics aren’t necessarily supposed to admit to, but it’s still the truth. I mean, if there weren’t properties or filmmakers that got us breathlessly excited, why did we start doing this job in the first place?

For me, such a property is Roald Dahl’s immortal literary classic Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. The first book of the noted author I ever had the distinct pleasure to read, it immediately sent me on a quest to take in all of Dahl’s works, each and every one enough to make me smile for weeks on end. But as much as I adore the 1971 Gene Wilder film adaptation – and trust me, I do adore it – I’ve always felt a richer, more detailed (and true-to-book) version could be made by just the right team of filmmakers.

The combined talents of director Tim Burton and actor Johnny Depp should be that team. Together they have concocted two classics (“Edward Scissorhands,” “Ed Wood”) and one that may prove to be in time (“Sleepy Hollow”). Who better than these two then to tackle Dahl’s whimsical world and make it refreshingly there own? What wonders would this duo once more shower us with? What splendiferous journey would they take us on?

Again, this kills me, because I so very much want to say something quite different from what I am about to. Still, I am compelled to report I did not care for “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory,” didn’t care for it at all. Amused by bits here? Sure. Laughed heartily with pieces there? Of course. Enraptured with a performance or two? Definitely. But, on the whole, Burton and Depp’s latest collaboration left me bizarrely cold, surprisingly unimpressed no matter how many ingenious visuals the team managed to throw my way. In short, I didn’t like it, and for the first time in ages I’m so depressed by this I almost want to cry.

The story of Charlie Bucket (Freddie Highmore), this is the tale of a good boy from a bitterly poor family who dreams of exploring the chocolate factory of the legendary Willy Wonka (Depp). But the factory hasn’t opened its doors to outsiders in nearly fifteen years, no one spying a single glimpse of Wonka or one of his workers during this entire time. Yet, the chocolate keeps coming; endless supplies of candy-colored goodness making their way to store shelves everywhere seemingly out of thin air.

So imagine the world’s surprise when the reclusive chocolatier announces he’s going to invite five children into his factory for an exclusive one-of-a-kind tour. All they have to do is find a golden ticket hidden within the packaging of five Wonka Bars. Soon four children; gluttonous Augustus Gloop (Philip Wiegratz), phenomenally spoiled Veruca Salt (Julia Winter), ferociously competitive Violet Beauregarde (AnnaSophia Robb), know-it-all video game addict Mike Teavee (Jordan Fry); have gotten their hands on a ticket while Charlie can only sit and dream of holding a single bar of chocolate, let alone joining this quartet on their fantabulous tour.

Join them he will, however, as somehow fate leads him to the last golden ticket and straight into Mr. Wonka’s mysterious abode. Joined by his beloved Grandpa Joe (David Kelly), the duo soon find themselves experiencing sights, sounds and tastes they’d never imagined. Along the way each of the selfishly naughty children and their parents meet macabre (yet fitting) dead-ends leaving only the good-hearted Charlie to finally discover the reasons behind the candy maker’s phenomenal success.

Let’s start with what works. Visually, and unsurprisingly, “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” is a visual marvel. From the countless Oompa-Loompas (all played by Burton regular Deep Roy) making the factory run to a giant cylindrical room filled with nut-cracking squirrels, there is never a time when a sight onscreen doesn’t still the breath. As for the performers, Highmore is a splendid Charlie, building on his fine turn in Depp’s “Finding Neverland” with a perfectly charming portrait here. The adult supporting cast is also quite good, James Fox, Noah Taylor, Helena Bonham Carter and revered stalwart Kelly all given a memorable moment of two to make their indelible mark.

So what’s wrong? To be completely honest, I’m not entirely sure. John August’s script is refreshingly faithful, while Danny Elfman’s Oompa-Loompa songs are lucidly loony in their brazen strangeness. Yet neither really works in the ways that they should. The picture is astonishingly flat, August’s screenplay moving from scene to scene with all the urgency of a tax audit. Meanwhile, for all their loopy lunacy the songs grind an already plodding feature to a crashing halt, any energy a proceeding scene might have had suddenly lost resulting in a theater filled only with silence.

Even when Burton has misfired (and this has only happened once with his remake of “Planet of the Apes” to my mind) silence has been the one thing he’s always managed to avoid. But “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” is so flat, so perfunctory as it makes its way to the forgone Great Glass Elevator conclusion it is almost impossible to work up anything remotely akin to enthusiasm. It doesn’t help that the children, other than the perky blonde-bobbed Robb who’s simply annoying, are a bore, each making so little of an impression before being dispatched they might as well not be here at all.

I’m not saying Wilder’s film was perfect, far from it actually, but at least it was fun. This one is never fun, never a joy, and despite Depp at his hyperventilatingly bombastic weirdly brazen best this remake never has a chance. The only heart it does possess comes from Highmore, but as good as his is Charlie spends long stretches of the movie as an afterthought, so much so I caught myself more than a couple of times wondering what happened to him. By the time it was all over I wanted to cry, Burton letting me down so thoroughly I was completely lost for words as I left the theater.

There is always the chance I’m wrong. The first time I saw “Edward Scissorhands” I was amused but hardly overzealous in my praise. Only upon subsequent viewings did my thoughts on the picture change, did I slowly come to realize how genius the enterprise really was. Maybe that’s what will happen here. Years from now, looking back without the haze of expectation clouding my judgment I’ll accept this “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” as a classic on par with the other Burton/Depp collaborations.

Maybe, but I doubt it, this remake nothing more than an Everlasting Gobstopper who’s only use is to clog the throat and stop the heart from beating.

Film Rating: êê  (out of 4)