Christmas with the Kranks is No Holiday

Tim Allen needs to get away from Christmas movies.

Sure, both of the Santa Clause adventures were hits, but that doesn’t mean he should make a career out of the holiday. I mean, just look at what happened to Joe Somebody, an horrific comedy if there ever was one. Audiences stayed away in droves, critics turned up their noses, and everyone else just let loose a collective sigh the moment it disappeared from theaters.

You’d think that would have been enough to dissuade Allen from tackling anything even remotely Christmas oriented, but that just isn’t the case. Here he is thumbing his nose at good’ol St. Nick and everything having to do with ribbons, bows and twinkling lights with Christmas with the Kranks. And while the resulting affair, based on the novel Skipping Christmas by John Grisham, isn’t quite the total catastrophe the anemic trailers made it look, it’s still an amazingly wrongheaded waste of time with very few moments or delights worth paying attention to.

Allen plays Luther Krank, an aging businessman who’s just seen his only child Blair (Julie Gonzalo, A Cinderella Story) head off into the Central American jungles working for the Peace Corps. That means he and wife Nora (Jamie Lee Curtis, Freaky Friday) will be spending their first Christmas alone, and it’s almost more than either of them can bear. Bear, that is, until Luther has what he sees as a stroke of genius. They’ll skip Christmas; no presents, no cards, no fruitcake, no nothing; and take a Caribbean cruise instead. Not only will it be a gift to themselves the likes of which they’ve never gotten, they’ll even save money not having to endure the traditional Yule Tide expenses associated with the holidays.

But in a Christmas-happy neighborhood the likes of which only exist in the movies, Luther and Nora are going to have a heck of a time trying to skip out on being festive. Led by Vic Frohmeyer (Dan Aykroyd, Ghostbusters), the self-described ‘mayor’ of the block, the neighbors use every ounce of guile and gumption at their disposal to get the Kranks to celebrate and give in to the Christmas Spirit. But it’s all to no avail, Luther becoming more and more consumed with his brainchild forcing Nora to go along with him every step of the way. But when an unexpected phone call just days before the holiday announces the imminent arrival of Blair and her new fiancé, the Kranks’ plans are thrown into complete chaos and a last-minute Christmas makeover for the couple and their home becomes a neighborhood priority.

This isn’t a good movie. Director Joe Roth (America’s Sweethearts) needs to just stop trying, this being his fifth strikeout in as many tries. Not that Christopher Columbus’ (Home Alone) script helps at all; his work here a mishmash of anemically syrupy clichés and bone-crunchingly banal physical gags. Together, they craft one of the most unholy Christmas-themed movies to hit movie theaters this side of Jingle All the Way, and if it wasn’t for the central sweetness of Grisham’s original story (which somehow remains intact) and the performance of Curtis I’m not sure this would even be worth trying to sit through.

And yet, despite all my vitriol I did not hate Christmas with the Kranks. The underlying message about family and togetherness is a good one and, when it isn’t being beaten home by a jackhammer, is relatively affecting. Allen, for all his inability to escape his sitcom roots, does make a fine physical comedian apt to provoke a laugh or two, while the rest of the cast – save for Aykroyd who’s terrible – led by M. Emmet Walsh (Blood Simple), Austin Pendleton (Finding Nemo) and Felicity Huffman (Raising Helen) acquits themselves admirably.

Then there is Curtis. What more can be said for her that hasn’t been said already? Frankly, Christmas with the Kranks would be lost without her. She’s fearless, unafraid to do even the most embarrassing sight gag or pratfall and do it in a way that’s both funny and endearing. Curtis is easily the most talented actress of her generation to never garner an Oscar nomination. Unfortunately, if all she keeps doing is gifting trash like this with her presence then that’s the way it will always be.

Not that any of these plusses should be construed as a recommendation. This is an awful movie, desperate in both its comedy and its drama. Columbus and Roth should be pelted with rotting fruitcake for inflicting it upon us, but with pre-packaged box office gold almost assured I doubt that will even remotely be the case. Still, come what may, where it comes to Christmas with the Kranks you can just call me Scrooge.

Film Rating: êê  (out of 4)