There has
been a lot of buzz circulating around the new Jet Li/DMX action
spectacle Cradle 2 the Grave. I’ve been receiving email
after email asking me questions like, "when are you going to see
it," "what did you think of it," "DMX is such a hottie, don’t
you think" and "Jet Li is sooooooooo amazing!" (Ok, so that last
one’s not really a question, but people do keep telling me that,
over and over and over.)
Well, now
that I’ve seen the movie, my responses, in no particular order,
are: yes – I’ve seen it, DMX is cute but why can’t he do a nice
romantic comedy, and, not much. Oh, and Jet Li? I tend to agree
with all of you that think he’s amazing – he’s phenomenal. Too
bad that quality hasn’t translated into any of his English
language films.
Ok. More
about Cradle 2 the Grave. That is why we are here after
all. Granted, it would be much more fun to talk about the Hong
Kong and Chinese film career of star Li. I could write an entire
dissertation on the wonders and glories of his Once Upon a
Time in China series, movies so good and filled with just
the type of wonderment you’d expect from a martial arts master
of Li’s caliber that they border on defying explanation.
I’m
rambling again, though. Back to the movie at hand.
DMX plays
professional thief Tony Fait. Fait is the type of thief that
only exists in movies like this – the bad guy with a heart of
gold. Just before a major robbery he tells his team there’s a
"no gun" rule in effect and, just to make sure I couldn’t tell
how nice a guy Tony really is, he’s also a loving and caring
father who worships his daughter like no tomorrow.
Enter the
real bad guys led by former Taiwanese special agent Ling (Mark
Dacascos, Brotherhood of the Wolf). He’s the type of stock villain
who’s really good at sneering and staring straight ahead in a
sinister evil-like fashion. But even worse is his right hand (wo)man
played by The Scorpion King’s Kelly Hu, she’s so bad she
slaps little children and giggles after. Wicked women don’t come
much more evil than that, don’t you know. Together, the duo
wants the cache of black diamonds (huh? Black diamonds?) stolen
by Fait and his gang, kidnapping the criminal mastermind’s
daughter to ensure his cooperation in handing them over.
Banning
his strict no gun policy – had to ensure a bullet soaked final
after all – and teaming up with Ling’s former partner Su (Li),
Fait goes after the villain with his entire crew as backup.
Explosions, mayhem, gun fire, window breaking, sneering, mangled
English and macho posturing follow, and Cradle 2 the Grave
bravely goes where many other better films have boldly gone
before.
In fact,
this is the third time director Andrzej Bartkowiak and producer
Joel Silver have made this very same movie. Granted, both
Exit Wounds (with DMX and Steven Seagal) and Romeo Must
Die (with DMX and Jet Li) have some subtle differences, but
they’re all so slight it could be safely assumed that Bartkowiak
and Silver are obsessed with remaking the same movie over and
over and over – each with DMX playing the sensitive criminal
hero. Granted, unlike the two stars’ last paring, a film where
the martial arts superstar was very much the lead, Jet Li’s
placement above the title seems more than a little odd as his
character is really nothing more than an afterthought, DMX
Cradle 2 the Grave’s real star.
So what?
It’s all tired and amazingly unwatchable. Sure Li has some
moments that amaze – a fight where he keeps one had squarely in
his pocket is a real showstopper, as is his innovative way of
scaling down hotel balconies, and the final fight with Dacascos
is fun to watch – and DMX continues to grow as an actor,
but the film is so ineptly plotted and staged that these small
pleasures don’t really amount to much. In the end, Cradle 2
the Grave resembled nothing more than a larger-than-life
video game; one most gamers would find of little interest. When
it comes to this hip-hop chopsocky film, I’m more than ready to
pronounce "game over."
