This is
directly from the press packet that I was given for the
Paramount thriller Extreme Ops: "Dear Friend, There is
nothing more exciting than watching a movie that takes extreme
sports to another level, except maybe where this is a film that
contains nearly 100 minutes of nonstop extreme thrills."
Note back
to Paramount: "Dear Studio, Now that we are friends can I please
make a small suggestion? I don’t know what planet you live on,
but extreme sports lost their novelty about the time
snowboarding became an official Olympic sport. I can think of
many more thrilling things to watch in my spare time. So, it
might be prudent to research the cultural climate before making
such statements in the future.
"More
so, next time you promise me 100 minutes of nonstop extreme
thrills, could you actually provide some? I’m not sure what
movie you saw, but Extreme Ops might be the most
cataclysmically unexciting movie I’ve ever had the opportunity
to sit through. Not only does nothing remotely interesting ever
happen, the film could render an even remotely intelligent
audience catatonic.
"Maybe,
in the future, you could hire a person to write a script for the
film before shooting begins. I’m not sure whom screenwriter
Michael Zaidan is, but I can’t help but think he must be some
alias for I can’t imagine a person actually wanting to take
credit for such a mess. It’s hard to believe you managed to
convince such a fine actor as Rufus Sewell to appear in such a
farce. Was he looking to build a new porch, by chance, and you
offered to foot the bill in turn for his appearance here?
"Granted,
it occurs to me you should have been clued in to the potential
awfulness of Extreme Ops when you noticed Moshe Diamant’s
name onboard as a producer. He is the man behind such winners as
FearDotCom, The Musketeer,
Simon Sez and a whole slew of Jean-Claude Van Damme
movies after all. With a history like that, how could his
overseeing of this opus turn out any differently?
"I would
really like to preserve this friendship if it all possible.
Trust amongst friends is really important. With that in mind,
please, in the future, if you’re going to send me a letter
promising thrills and excitement over 100 minutes, could you at
least deliver one or two? That’s all I ask.
