It’s Clobberin’ Time

The best thing I can say about the very un”Fantastic Four” is that it is nowhere near as bad as I had feared. If anything, thanks to two inspired performances and a screenplay that somehow gets better as it goes along, it’s actually not altogether hard to watch. Of course, don’t take that to mean it’s actually any good; just know you won’t be in too much pain if you end up having to sit through all 110 minutes of it.

Based on Marvel Comics’ longest running series, “Fantastic Four” is the story of a quartet of scientists and astronauts who find themselves the recipients of some very distinct and individual powers after surviving a spectacular cosmic storm aboard an orbiting space station. Dr. Reed Richards (Ioan Gruffudd, “King Arthur”) discovers he can stretch and contort his body into every conceivable shape, Sue Storm (Jessica Alba, “Sin City”) can make herself invisible and generate super-strong force fields while her brother Johnny (Chris Evans, “Cellular”) now lights up the sky as a human firework. But while they can all still carry out perfectly normal lives, Reed’s best friend Ben Grimm (Michael Chiklis, “The Shield”) is nowhere near as lucky. His whole body, including his internal organs, is now made entirely out of indestructible orange rock so even a passing thought towards a humdrum living is made moot with every one of his thundering footsteps.

Together they are quickly dubbed The Fantastic Four by an exuberant New York populace ready to embrace them as celebrities and heroes. Each earns a nickname; Reed becomes Mr. Fantastic, Sue Invisible Woman, Johnny The Human Torch and Ben, sadly, is dubbed The Thing. What they all do not know, however, is that the fifth member of their team has also been transformed. Billionaire industrialist Victor Von Doom (Julian McMahon “Nip/Tuck”), Reed’s old college rival and Sue’s current boyfriend, finds he is slowly evolving into a man of metal, able to work macabre wonders with electrical fields seemingly at whim. With his empire crumbling around him, Doom blames Richards for his misfortunes, and as his sanity slowly fades his desire to crush The Fantastic Four increases, Victor quickly assuming the mantle of supervillian to counter these newborn superheroes.

In concept, “Fantastic Four” was Marvel’s attempt to duplicate the success of rival DC Comics’ popular “Justice League of America,” the company creating their own series about a team of heroes working together to battle crime. In reality, the book actually became far more than that, developing over time into the story of a highly dysfunctional family finding ways to stick together through each and every conflict, love winning out over brute strength every time. Unlike other superheroes, these were crime fighters without alter egos, surname and nickname alike upon the lips of a hungry populace. With these elements and more already in place, the stage was surely set for a wondrously realized motion picture.

Hopefully someday they’ll actually pull it off because the group at Marvel and 20^th Century Fox certainly dropped the ball. Now, I’m not saying director Tim Story was the wrong choice but when the only two things of note on your resume are the moderately amusing “Barbershop” and the horrendous “Taxi” there just has to be a better way to go. The latter proved beyond a shadow of a doubt Story couldn’t construct an action scene to save his life, a trait cemented with his manhandling of the heroics here. Worse, continuity errors abound, the picture so full of sudden lapses in logic and common sense one can imagine a five-year-old fan doing a better job fitting the pieces together than this director.

It would seem, at least on the surface, a script written by James Bond stalwart Michael France (“Goldeneye”) and “Twin Peaks” co-creator Mark Frost would at least have a few moments of wit and style. But while their screenplay does get better as the picture goes along, the first third is so unbelievably awful reading soliloquies from the phone book would probably sound pretty good, too, in comparison to what goes on. Seriously, though, once the team starts to coalesce and embrace their powers, and once Doom’s grasp on reality starts to fade away, the movie actually manages to become kind of fun, finally hitting its stride during a delirious climax where the quartet finally get to strut their collective stuff.

The casting is a mixed bag. Alba is hopelessly out of her element. Now, I’m not saying incredibly hot women can’t be exceptionally smart scientists (lord knows I’d kill for both her abs and her command of five syllable scientific euphemisms), I’m just saying incredibly hot women who look and act like they’re 16 can’t. But at least she’s having fun (and as well as she fills out that blue bodysuit who can blame her) which is far more than can be said for Gruffudd. He walks through things apparently bored out of his mind, his Mr. Fantastic about as much fun to be around as an IRS agent on audit day.

On the flip side, the other three actors connect to their respective roles almost immediately. McMahon underplays Dr. Doom wonderfully letting the madman’s actions speak far louder than any word he could mutter ever could. He’s eclipsed, however, by two dynamically perfect performances by Chiklis and Evans. Both are so good, so locked into the dynamics of the characters, I couldn’t help but wish the film forgot about the other two superheroes and spent more time focusing on them. From Evans’ childlike glee at discovering he can fly to Chiklis rage-fueled torment towards the thought of living life as a freak, they get everything right and it is too bad the rest of the picture can’t follow their lead.

Unfortunately, the filmmaker’s just don’t have it in them. Maybe it was too much to ask for anyone to manage a family superhero adventure. Coming in the wake of the practically perfect Academy Award-winning “The Incredibles,” it’s no secret that future Pixar classic took many of the same ideas presented here and gleeful made them their own. That comparison just isn’t fair. For even if many of the characters and themes seem lifted from this Marvel title, I’m almost certain everyone behind this mess wouldn’t have been able to make a decent adventure even had that animated box office smash never existed.

Blame the director, Story’s handling of the entire piece bordering on the criminal. There are some cuts so choppy, edits so absurd I can only assume the usually competent editor William Hoy (“Dances with Wolves”) wishes his name wasn’t attached to the project. He shouldn’t worry. The special effects (as good as Chiklis is, The Thing still looks like a big and clunky plastic orange guy in a very bad suit) and cinematography are equally horrid. As we’re talking about some of the technicians behind awesomely fantastic efforts like “The Bourne Supremacy” this has to be considered a shock.

None of them should worry about too many fingers pointing their way when this fails, however, because based on his track record this entire debacle is entirely the director’s fault. Like Joel Schumacher buried Batman in mediocrity for almost a decade, Story does the same here making “Fantastic Four” a ponderously dreadful waste of time.

Film Rating: êê  (out of 4)