R E V I E W S

Forsaken, The (2001)

Starring: Kerr Smith, Brendan Fehr, A.J. Buckley, Jonathan Schaech, Izabella Miko
Director: J.S. Cardone
Rating: R

Studio: Screen Gems

Review Posted: 5.7.01

Rating: .5/10 (not a typo)

By Big Dane.

Note: You have to understand, I give one point based on sex [you read it right. "one point" for sex, you do the math]

"Makes Dracula 2000 look like a masterpiece"

"The night... has an appetite." Yeah, sure, if that appetite is for lemons because this movie sucked. The couple of minutes worth of porn shots weren't even worth watching the stupid movie. No offense, Cardone, but I would rather be thrown off a bridge into a pile of broken glass bits that were on fire than sit through this piece of crap again.

When the opening shot of a movie is a woman in the shower, naked, and dripping blood, you know you're in for either a really bad film or an interesting porn flick. Too bad this one opted for the former. With such potential for an awesome vamp flick (which, let's face it, isn't an easy genre to even try to get right), they fall way short of the target.

The first thing that I found wrong with the film is they tried to give you a reason why Sean (Smith) is out in the middle of the desert in the first place. The explanation given is that Sean is going to see his sister's wedding, but in order to go he has to agree to drive a car cross-country from LA to Miami and back... in a week. Also, it's a pretty sweet car, can't exactly remember what type though, and I'd shoot myself before entering the theater house playing this movie again (though it is part of my job...). Naturally, when he's driving in the desert (after all, don't all vampire's live in the desert), he's flashed by a woman. So enthralled by those lovely pair o' brown eyes, he doesn't notice that he's done something wrong, stopped paying attention to the road. Long story short, he spends all the cash he was paid to fix the axel on the car. Ever notice that in small towns, they ask you 'how much you got' before giving you a price?

Anyways, the repairs are going to take the nights, so Sean shacks up in the nearby hotel. Boy, what a dump. You can tell this place has gotten a lot of... use. Well anyway, through the night, some really loud people move into the next room. Boy, they're loud. I mean, seriously, you could mastur..er... I mean, you could fanta...um... you could watch television and go straight to bed with them being that loud... yeah, that's it. Next morning, the dude's car is gone and Sean's car is fixed. So, as Sean heads back onto the road, a hitchhiker, Nick (Fehr), who for some reason reminded me of Rob Thomas when I was watching the movie (of course, it was 1 AM...), asks for a ride, the familiar chit chat of "oh I shouldn't... ok" is passed, alright, fun.

Eh, screw the plot, all you really need to know is this: Watch for the Garfield moment, watch for the amazing changing broken headlight, and realize what vampires do during the daytime, all with incredible speed and non-sensical value!

Alternately, just skip this movie altogether. It seriously sucked more than a $10 Vietnamese whore [note to those offended by that statement: Bite Me]. Admittedly, Vamp films aren't that good to begin with, but this one takes it to a new level of bad. Don't even bother to rent this movie. Wait for it to come on TV... Network TV.

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