Breaking Up is Easy When it Comes to Hitch

Alex “Hitch” Hitchens (Will Smith, I, Robot)) believes any man, no matter who, no matter what, has the ability to sweep any woman off of her feet. All they really need is the right broom.

That’s where he comes in. A self-described “date doctor,” Hitch makes his living helping less fortunate males learn the tools and the moves to get the women of their dreams up against Cupid’s arrow. Of course, there are a couple of rules this modern-day Cyrano ascribes to, the most important being that the man’s heart must be true. This can’t be about sex, about the score. If it is, you better not call him for help because Hitch would just as soon pop you in the chops than see an innocent woman led astray. But, if the man’s intentions are true, if it’s love he seeks, than Hitch will help get the guy to the door; walking through it, though, is all up to him.

The date doctor’s latest case is a biggie. Meek, overweight accountant Albert Brennaman (Kevin James, television’s The King of Queens) is desperately smitten with local New York socialite and heiress Allegra Cole (Amber Valletta, Raising Helen). It’s love, Albert knows it deep in his bones, and if he can just get Allegra to see him for the good man he is he’s sure she’ll grow to love him back. Hitch isn’t so sure, but he can see right away the accountant’s intentions are so pure they’re crystal, so he’ll do all he can to make sure Albert at least gets a chance.

The only problem is that Hitch suddenly finds himself less than at the top of his game. You see, he’s falling in love himself with sexy tabloid reporter Sara Melas (Eva Mendes, Out of Time), and if any woman has forced him to up his game to an entirely new level it’s this one. Everything he tries, no matter how heartfelt or good intentioned, backfires spectacularly. And yet, Hitch’s charms are slowly rubbing off on the young woman. But when a friend is emotionally injured and a potential front page story for the paper comes to light, will Sara forgo love for a little misdirected payback?

There is a lot to like about Hitch, Andy Tennant’s (Ever After) latest romantic just-in-time-for-Valentine’s Day confection. Like all the director’s previous works, this is a very self-assured and confident comedy running on all cylinders pretty much start to finish. The performers are all likeable and Tennant is easily able to craft a charming atmosphere that borders on the infectious. Unfortunately, also like many of his films (most notably Sweet Home Alabama, Fools Rush In and It Takes Two) the script is anemic, the movie itself going on far too long with giant stretches too banal to even remotely take seriously.

Hitch basically is a well put together mess, rambling along as well as it does purely on the strength of its stars. By no means is this one of Smith’s better performances, but he’s such a likeable, self-effacing (not to mention good looking) performer it’s not exactly difficult to watch him work. Both Mendes and Valletta (proving some models really can act, if only a just little bit) have their moments, and Adam Arkin (Hanging Up) provides a sense of gravity that’s missing just about everywhere else. (However, I hated his character. Why do movies about reporters – especially romantic comedies – insist on showing big-city editors as mushy bleeding hearts caring more about their reporters schizophrenic personal lives than finding a hot story for page one? They don’t really exist and I’m more than a little tired of seeing them.)

The biggest surprise is James. I’m not even remotely a fan of his hit television show, so I can’t say I was expecting much from him here. Not only does he shine, James is the best thing Hitch has to offer. Funny, endearing, soulful and connecting in multiply heartfelt ways with both his costars and the audience, this just might be 2005’s first breakthrough performance. Every time he came onscreen my heart leapt, if only a tiny bit, and the longer he spent off-camera the more annoyed I became obsessing over all the movie’s many defects. James is wonderful, and I only hope other, juicier character roles come his way based on his work here.

It’s too bad the rest can’t even sustain his energy and good vibrations. The usually wonderful Michael Rapaport (Deep Blue Sea) comes and goes so quickly you wonder why he’s even in the film, plot twists occur as if out of thin air, all pretense to reality an afterthought, and it goes on a good twenty minutes longer than it has any right to. In fact, rookie screenwriter Kevin Bisch’s climax rambles on for so long, falls so flat and is full of so few surprises it’s as if he had no clue what to do and just left everything he could think of for a climax on the page for someone else to deal with. Unfortunately nobody did, the director and producers seemingly content to let all this triteness run its course.

In the end, I’m pretty sure audiences aren’t going to care. This has all the makings of becoming a monster hit, and I’ll take bets this is exactly what 2005’s struggling box office is looking for. Pity, because it isn’t a very good movie. Sure, there are some likable performances (especially from James) and the movie is hardly a complete waste of time, but it’s not enough. With too many wrong directions, more than a few hiccups and finale that refuses to conclude, for me, at least, Hitch is one movie easy to breakup with.

Film Rating: êê  (out of 4)