MOVIE REVIEW

House of the Dead  (2003)

Starring: Ona Grauer, Jonathan Cherry, Tyron Leitso
Director: Uwe Boll

Rating: R

Studio: Artisan

Release Date: 10.10.03

Review Posted: 01.23.04

Spoilers: Minor

By Gregory L. Amato

"Dead" Worst Movie of the Year

“The House of the Dead” is so incredibly bad that it’s almost funny, but not quite. The film occasionally tries to be dramatic, or have a “Matrix”-style action quality to it, but both attempts fail miserably. The only reason I wasn’t wondering why anyone would pay $9 for this film was because I was busy wondering how this film ever got produced in the first place.

For the uninitiated, “The House of the Dead” is loosely based on the popular arcade and console video game series of the same name. In these games, players use light guns to shoot zombies before being torn apart, or before random innocents are killed and/or eaten. If you think watching someone play this game in your local arcade for an hour and a half would be fun enough to pay $9 for, this movie is for you, as you will be treated to various spurts of actual video game footage in addition to a live-action film that is trying to be a video game, with extra swearing and nudity, of course.

Five friends want to go to the Isla del Morte where the mother of all raves is being held, so they charter a boat from one Captain Kirk, played by Jürgen Prochnow, the actor most widely known as the commander of “Das Boot”. They arrive only to find that there are no fellow ravers to party with, only a trashed party scene and a blood-soaked shirt. They then give almost an entire moment’s thought as to what this might mean. Soon the horny couple is getting it on while the other three friends go in search of answers to a dreadfully evil-looking house where they find a few survivors of the horrible zombie attack. Still unconvinced by a sloppy digital recording that couldn’t possibly show how scary the zombies don’t look, they return for their oversexed friends. Meanwhile, Captain Kirk is rather nonplussed at being attacked on his boat by swimming zombies. He simply shoots them without a word or even an expression of surprise, seeming to say with just a look, “Oh, I’m being attacked by zombies just like in that video game - no biggie.”

The story continues predictably, with the exception of a few elements thrown randomly into the mix. The friends return in time to find that one of the lovers has been turned into a zombie while the other was trapped in a tipped-over portable toilet; hence the money line “I guess you’re in deep shit!” A heavily armed woman named Casper (Ellie Cornell, looking bored) who seems to be from the Coast Guard, comes to the rescue out of nowhere, and the stage is set for a long showdown with the undead. Luckily Captain Kirk levitated off his boat (maybe Scotty beamed him off) before it was overrun by zombies, and now he just happens to have a Rambo-sized stash of weapons on the island already. At that point our (magnificent?) seven stalwarts make for the safety of the house, where they take cover and eventually discover the history of the island and the secrets behind the zombies.

“House of the Dead” could have been a fun, if silly, campy romp. Instead, the funniest lines come from actors trying their best not to sound funny (“Maintain alpha alert!”), and the action sequences are horribly misguided both when they are played out like the video games and when they try to be like “The Matrix.” In one scene, Rudy (Jonathan Cherry) is supposed to be conflicted over a friend who died to save his life, but is all better after his girlfriend kisses him. I guess if you’re 12 years old that seems pretty cool. Likewise, the fight scenes and many camera shots that pan around our characters as they shoot, kick, and chop their way through the zombie horde are boring, and look even sillier in light of the excellent fight scenes in films like “The Matrix.” That zombie only missed Rudy with his sword by two or three feet!  Wow!

A few images that are reminiscent of other films: A “Jaws”-like view of a topless raver while swimming (with nudity but no suspense, unlike in Spielberg’s film), and an “homage” to the “Fellowship of the Ring” where Will Sanderson hides underneath an outcropping with a tree, conjuring images of four hobbits hiding from a black rider in exactly the same manner. These scenes are out of place at best, and the inclusion of footage from the game makes the film seem like a 90-minute commercial. 

Despite the film’s R rating, it is definitely aimed at crowds younger than 17.  Pubescent audiences looking for guns, girls, gore, and stuff getting blown up will probably be thrilled, but even that might be overestimating what will almost certainly be considered the worst film of 2003.

Rating:  ê  (out of 5)

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