Miss Congeniality Far From Fabulous

Only three weeks removed from being crowned Miss Congeniality at the annual Miss United States Pageant, New York FBI agent Gracie Hart (Sandra Bullock, 28 Days) is back at work going undercover to bust a group of bank robbing soccer moms. But when she’s immediately recognized by the bank’s patrons, Hart and the rest of the agents quickly find themselves in the middle of a hostage situation. And even though things are quickly, and safely, resolved, it’s apparent to everyone Gracie’s days as an undercover agent are decidedly over.

That’s when local bureau chief Agent McDonald (Ernie Hudson, Ghostbusters) approaches the befuddled former beauty queen with a proposal to become the new face of the FBI. She’ll be their spokesperson, model and all-around celebrity, smoothing out all of the bureau’s rough edges to a public eager to fawn over a pretty face. Of course, this new position will require hard work and dedication on Gracie’s part. She can’t just morph from duckling to swan for a three-day pageant, this time it’s going to have to be for life.

Months later, Hart, with a best-selling book and a litany of successful talk show appearances under her belt, has morphed herself into the FBI’s version of Barbie, more concerned now with her diction and appearance than anything stopping the bad guys. But when current Miss United States Cheryl Frazier (Heather Burns, Two Weeks Notice) and erstwhile emcee Stan Fields (William Shatner, Star Trek) are kidnapped and held for ransom, Gracie knows she can’t stay on the sidelines and see her friends die. With new partner Sam Fuller (Regina King, Ray); tough, uncompromising and not at all happy about Hart’s newfound appreciation of high heels and lip-gloss; by her side the duo go undercover in the streets and clubs of Las Vegas to find the missing titleholder.

Has it really been five years since Bullock paraded across the stage in Miss Congeniality? Sure, that 2000 hit wasn’t the greatest comedy ever made, but it was still laugh-out-loud funny and contained sparkling comedic performances from the star, Shatner, Candace Bergin and Michael Caine. It was a fish-out-of-water story with a tiara twist and rarely have I had the pleasure of just sitting back and enjoying myself so thoroughly.

Half a decade later, Bullock is still every bit as wonderful as she ever was at the turn of the millennium. She was simply born to play Gracie, the effervescently talented actress shimmering like a cute-as-a-button shooting star. Whether back in her ill-fitting suit, sunglasses and sensible shoes or strutting around in a showgirl outfit so canary yellow you’d swear she was Big Bird, Bullock is wonderful, illuminating even the drabbest moments with superstar sass singularly her own.

Too bad the rest of the movie is such an unmitigated snore. If the first film was held together by a thinly constructed plot device, the one holding Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous together must be transparent. Worse, it is at least ten to fifteen minutes longer then the original pushing it up close to two hours. This means the picture drags. Incessantly. Almost ad nausea. Mark Lawrence’s (Two Weeks Notice) flimsy screenplay literally has nowhere to go, its threadbare kidnapping plot about as juvenile as any I’ve seen this side of a television sitcom.

There was at least a point to the first film; a journey for Gracie to take that was at least partially interesting. Here this simply isn’t the case. Sure, Lawrence throws in references to female empowerment and being true to one’s self. It’s all wrapped up in Hart’s remorseful sorrow towards blowing it with her boyfriend (had to write Benjamin Bratt out some way after all), but after about twenty minutes of Bullock’s backdoor blubbering we sort of get the point. Even throwing in Treat Williams as the argumentative and condescending Las Vegas bureau chief does little to enliven things, the veteran actor stranded playing a character so clichéd and unlikable he manages to grind an already plodding movie to a halt every time he appears.

There are some amusing bits. Hart and Fuller’s airport bonding ritual is surprisingly amusing, as is there assault on a packed Vegas drag club in full showgirl and Tina Turner regalia. In fact, the duo has outstanding chemistry and I could definitely see King and Bullock keep this Mutt and Jeff routine going in other (hopefully better) pictures. There is a joy to their work, as of the twosome are having so much fun being together they can’t imagine everyone else not getting wrapped up in their happiness.

Problem is, no one else does. The film is flat and unfunny almost from beginning to end. Shatner and Burns have nothing to do, Diedrich Bader (The Drew Carey Show) is a poor – and borderline offensive – substitute for Michael Caine, while Abraham Benrubi (Without a Paddle) and Nick Offerman (Cursed) are such piss-poor villains you hardly even remember them. John Pasquin (Joe Somebody) directs as if on autopilot, ostensibly more than willing to have his camera sit stagnant and let Bullock and company scurry madly too and fro in front of it.

Miss Congeniality 2 may indeed be armed with Bullock’s charm and talents, but it’s hardly fabulous. In fact, even with all her efforts to make sure otherwise, this is one sequel that’s nothing less than dreadful.

Film Rating: ê1/2  (out of 4)