Taxi  (2004)

Starring: Queen Latifah, Jimmy Fallon, Gisele Bündchen
Director: Tim Story

Rating: PG-13

Distributor: 20th Century Fox

Release Date: 10.08.04

Review Posted: 10.08.04

Spoilers: Minor

By Sara M. Fetters

"Taxi" Roundtrip to Nowhere

There are some movies that are almost too painful to sit through. Films that are such an abhorrent waste of time and talent you wish a truck would come by and smash you to little itty bits and pieces, for at least in death the pain would finally be over. These pictures are akin to playing the Malcolm McDowell role in “A Clockwork Orange,” except you are the one stuck watching images of excruciating terror with the truly awful part being you’re the one who paid ten bucks to do so.

In a nutshell, this is what watching the new movie “Taxi” from “Barbershop” filmmaker Tim Story is like. This remake of Luc Besson’s (“The Fifth Element”) monstrous French hit (of which there have already been three installments -  we can only pray the same doesn’t happen on this side of the pond) is rancid on so many different levels, any promise I thought this young director held is called into serious question. Worse, he’s currently helming “The Fantastic Four,” one of my favorite comic books, and if it turns out anything like this I could very well find myself sulking the days away with my head in the sand until the end of time.

The only thing positive that can be said for “Taxi” is that the luminous talents of Queen Latifah (“Chicago”) somehow emerge unscathed. Playing bicycle-messenger-turned-taxi-driver Belle, Latifah is perfect for the jovially spunky speed demon, and it is a pity there isn’t a better movie surrounding her. What more, the stylish rapper and songstress throws herself headlong into the role, jumping and jiving her way through a part and film so far beneath her talents I only hope the new deck this dreadful time waster probably paid for was worth it.

In all honesty, there was one other thing I liked about “Taxi,” and that was the endless parade of skimpy skin tight clothes and stunningly sexy stiletto heels worm by the quartet of super models (led by Gisele Bündchen) whom portray the movies fast-driving, sharp-shooting bank robbers. Every time they appear onscreen I couldn’t take my eyes off of what they were wearing, not-so-secretly sitting and wishing I had much of their wardrobe either hanging in my closet or dangling on my shoe rack.

Other than that, there is very little else I can say to the positive. “Saturday Night Live” stalwart Jimmy Fallon is painfully unfunny as pathetic New York cop Washburn, mugging through his scenes with more energy than the Energizer Bunny on Crack. He’s a constant pitter-patter of annoying manic motion, preening and screaming as if the world would suddenly dissolve into nothingness if he bothered to slow down. The rest of the cast fares little better. Completely wasted is “NYPD Blue” regular Henry Simmons, relegated to a throwaway role as Belle’s construction worker boyfriend, while Jennifer Esposito (“Breakin’ All the Rules”) confuses shrieking with acting and the result is perfectly migraine inducing. And in travesty of all travesties, the great Ann-Margret (“Any Given Sunday”) is stranded playing the role of Washburn’s alcoholic mother, a part so demeaning I felt sorry for the once renowned beauty whom once wowed Tinseltown hanging out with the Rat Pack and Elvis Presley.

The film itself is a mishmash of action and comedy that’s supposed to be a freewheeling live-action comic book. The problem is, the only freewheeling aspect to the whole thing is how quickly it falls off the rails. The script, adapted from Besson’s original by a team of writers responsible for items as wonderful as “Snow Dogs,” “Another Stakeout” and cable’s “Reno 911,” is horrid, developing characters with the subtlety and grace of a bullet shot through the side of a cheese grater. None of it makes a lick of sense, not even when put into the context of the crazed, hyper-stylized New York the filmmakers are obviously going for. Worse, Story directs with his foot firmly stuck on the accelerator, amping these up to such ridiculous heights I had to scratch my head at the utter stupidity of it all.

In the end, nothing here is fun or exciting, and the only humor to be found can be attributed directly to Latifah’s spunky presence. Beginning with a groan and ending with a whimper, “Taxi” is a roundtrip fair to nowhere.

Film Rating: ê  (out of 4)

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