"Ridiculous
and Far From Scary, They Better Left Alone"
Feel an
urgent need to get rid of ten bucks that you just have lying
around? They
is the movie for you. For everyone else without the disposable
income, They is a movie best left to the cutting room
floor.
A complete
lack of imagination is on display in a movie that had my friends
and I groaning through scene after horrible scene. The writing
is so poor that I banked all my hopes of an enjoyable evening on
the skill of the actors. The young cast was no help, however, as
they only helped take this film out of the proverbial frying pan
and straight into the fire. With any luck, it will stay there.
Three
twenty-somethings meet at their friend Billy’s (Jon Abrahams,
Texas Rangers) funeral. All three grew up with “night
terrors;” haunting visions of “They” that intruded upon their
sleep. Mercifully these visions subsided as they all got older.
Subsided until Billy dies that is. Now they’re back, and they’re
worse than ever.
Somehow,
“They” have the ability to affect electricity. So that means
every time the lights flicker something is going to happen –
every single time. Lucky us, we get to be punished with
poorly rendered computer animated beings – the “they” – during
each of these attacks. Sulley from Monster’s, Inc. is
scarier and far more realistic than anything presented here.
Newcomer
Laura Regan - she had a small role in Unbreakable – stars as
Julia. She’s pitiful job, and I laughed rather than flinch
during some of her purportedly “scary” scenes. As Sam, Ethan
Embry seems more bored or extremely tired than anything else
throughout They. He’s at his best as a lovable loser in
movies such as Sweet Home
Alabama and Can’t Hardly Wait, but he’s just
wasted here. Rounding out the cast is Marc Blucas (Riley from
TV’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer) as Paul, Julia’s
boyfriend. Blucas does what he can with a significantly
uninteresting – and u unnecessary – character.
They
is a film a bunch of friends could come up with while drunk. The
problem is they thought it was a good idea after they sobered
up. In a movie that is devoid of surprises, I found myself
hoping for a gratuitous sex scene or a slasher to stab some
horny teenagers. Alas, these hopes never panned out.
At one
point, Julia exclaims, “This is getting ridiculous!” Yes, Julia,
it is.
