"Thunderbirds" Are Go! – To Nowhere

If adventure has a name, than surely it will never be “Thunderbirds.” At least, not this big screen incarnation of the cult 1960’s British television show. Having watched a few episodes on DVD, I must admit there is a certain British wit to be found in the puppet-filled children’s show. It’s quirky, slightly weird and more than a tad mesmerizing. Unfortunately, something’s been lost in the translation from small to big screen, and the only nice thing I can bring myself to say about it at the moment is the production values sure are swell.

Maybe I’ll come up with something better by the end of the review. Probably not, but you never know.

After Tracy patriarch – a multi-billionaire – Jeff (Bill Paxton, phoning in his “Apollo 13” performance) loses his wife due to an ecological disaster, he starts a mysterious life-saving organization known as The Thunderbirds. From their secret hideaway on Tracy Island, Jeff and his son’s pilot a fantastic fleet of life-saving vehicles and monitor the world’s ecosystem from high above the planet in an orbiting space station. With the help of British Secrete Agent Lady Penelope (Sophia Myles, “Underworld,” and the only one apparently having any fun) and technical wizard Brains (Anthony Edwards, a long way from “E.R.”), together they save lives, rescue the helpless and fight evildoers bent on destroying what’s good and decent.

Together, that is, save for one: Youngster Alan (Brady Corbet, “Thirteen”), just entering his teenage years and full of adolescent angst towards being left behind. But dad just doesn’t think he’s ready, so along with Brain’s son Fermat (Soren Fulton, “Van Wilder”) and island resident Tin-Tin (Vanessa Anne Hudgens, “Thirteen”) Alan must spend his time at home living out his family’s missions vicariously through news reports.

But that all changes when the nefarious criminal mastermind The Hood (Ben Kingsley, “The House of Sand and Fog”) traps Jeff and the older Tracy’s aboard the interstellar Thunderbird 5. Now with the orbiting station rapidly losing power and with The Hood and his henchmen having captured Brains and Lady Penelope in order to unlock the secrets of the Tracy’s fabulous life saving machines, it is up to Alan and his friends to save the Thunderbirds and their allies.

You know, as silly as it all sounds, this isn’t too bad a scenario for a whimsical family adventure. The pieces are all here, and goodness knows the actors – especially Paxton and Kingsley – are all capable of pulling this type of film off in their sleep, so why is it such a tiredly unamusing exercise in boredom? Start with the script. Written by a trio whose works include such ‘winners’ as “Garfield: The Movie,” “Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot!” and “Ghost in the Machine,” this pale “Spy Kids” imitation hasn’t met a cliché it doesn’t like or an absurdity it won’t embrace. This is dumb and dumber screenwriting, using as little ingenuity or intelligence as possible to make its point and guaranteed to put its audience into a drooly-mouthed stupor.

Director Jonathan Frakes (“Star Trek: First Contact”) doesn’t help matters with his by-the-numbers handling of even the most intriguing concepts. Granted, the script has little that’s intriguing to offer, by where it does Frakes manages to screw the transliteration up big-time. There is nothing presented that isn’t obvious or unimaginative and it is as if the director is intent on wringing all of the fun out of every scene. Ironic, really, considering Frakes is an alumni of “Star Trek,” a series that – at least in its original and “Next Generation” incarnations – new instinctively how to balance B-movie daring-do and silliness with social commentary, neither of which Frakes shows a propensity for.

Unfortunate, for the production values in “Thunderbirds” are exemplary. Each of the five Tracy vehicles are perfectly realized, while the group’s secret abode, as put together by “Wings of the Dove” production designer John Beard, is a lush dreamscape of tropical splendor, technical wonderment and ‘60’s-style kitsch. Brendan Galvin’s (“Veronica Guerin”) cinematography is slick and professional, while composer Hans Zimmer’s (King Arthur”) jazzy, synthesized score is one of his finest in some time. Best of all, Marit Allen’s (“The Hulk”) splendid costuming. From her slick spacesuits for the Tracy’s to the pricelessly pink couture she designed for Lady Penelope, the clothes are some of the most imaginative I’ve seen in ages.

In service to what? From the annoying junior-aged trifecta at the center of the film to what must be Kingsley’s (the esteemed actor looks simply embarrassed under his thick black eyeliner) first truly awful performance, this picture is a boringly inept mess. A cute touch here and there aside (love the puppet hands at the controls of each of the Tracy ships), it is true that “Thunderbirds” are a go – too bad it’s only to nowhere.